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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that technology such as mobile phones has destroyed social interaction. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #technology #phones #interaction
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It is considered that few individuals ponder that gadgets like mobile phones have ruined the get-together. I agree with
this
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 notion and will discuss the relevant point in the upcoming paragraph. To commence with the view of agreeing that mobile applications are destroying one-on-one communication. To explain
this
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, nowadays individuals are more indulged in high-tech technology, and they prefer to perform their tasks using mobile
applicationsrln
Correct your spelling
applications
 addition to that, a few masses who are living separately from their parents prefer to make a video call with them
instead
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 of meeting them on weekends.
Due to
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 that their parents are feeling lonely and isolated.
Moreover
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,
this
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 is
also
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 affecting their bonds too.
Furthermore
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, extreme use of social media destroys relationships between co-workers. To elaborate on
this
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, during lunch breaks workers prefer to use mobile phones
instead
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 of communicating with workmates. Other than that, if they have any questions about a task, they prefer to ask by virtual call
instead
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 of asking the manager to hold a meeting.
For instance
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, a study shows, that in the United States, more than 30% of co-workers go through stress as they don't have anyone to speak to.
As a result
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, the company should keep together every month, so the workers get close to each other and work as a team. In conclusion, spending more time on screen not only destroys face-to-face communication but
also
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 makes individuals feel isolated. It can be solved by holding social gatherings.
Submitted by manojramoo on

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, consider organizing your paragraphs more clearly with topic sentences and transitions that guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is well-supported with specific examples or evidence to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Clarify and develop your ideas more comprehensively by providing deeper analysis on how technology affects social interactions.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively, presenting a perspective that is generally well-explained.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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