IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that it is not possible to be happy without money, while others think that money does not gaurantee happiness. Discusss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #money #gaurantee #happiness #discusss
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Some individuals believe that it is impossible to gain enthusiasm when someone is poor
while
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe wealth cannot ensure happiness. The essay attempts to shed light on both sides before concluding
money
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 cannot guarantee happiness .  On the one hand , a better quality of life
is depends
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on the economic ability of the individual . Nowadays society tends to be capitalist.
People
Use synonyms
 need to consume
money
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 to get what they want.
In other words
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,
people
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 who have
money
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 can have more choices in the market .To be specific ,
people
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 who are poor only can choose fast food which is cheaper and unhealthy as their lunch .
On the other hand
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 ,wealthy
people
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 can have a wider choice of food
such
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 as organic vegetables which
is
Verb problem
are as
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 expensive as their meals.
Moreover
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 being poor
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 not able to deal with the living costs
such
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 as tax hikes ,housing rent and transportation expenses .
Then
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people
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 will be sad and stressed under
this
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 situation.
Money
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 can help
people
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 to have an alternative choice
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
improve the quality of life and reduce the pressure. Meanwhile ,there are some sentimental possessions that
money
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 is unable to offer
such
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 as relationships. Sentimental possessions are the kind of thing that
people
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 cannot buy with
money
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 on the market and do not have
non pierced
Correct your spelling
non-pierce
show examples
.
For example
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, capital cannot
ensures
Correct subject-verb agreement
ensure
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 to
maintains
Replace the word
maintenance
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a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
relationship.
People
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 who work for a long time may have a lot of
money
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 ,
however
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, they don't have time to accompany their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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.
Consequently
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 , they may lose the self of belonging
of
Change preposition
to
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 their family and no longer stay close to the family. It definitely is the happy element that property cannot offer.  In conclusion,
while
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 it is irrefutable that
money
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 can ensure the quality of life ,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in no way should
people
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 overweight the importance of
money
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 .Because some sentimental things cannot guarded by
money
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by chanwingyan095 on

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task achievement
Clarify and elaborate your points more comprehensively to ensure they are fully understood by the reader. While your points are relevant, try developing them further to provide more depth.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of the essay can be improved. Ensure each paragraph logically connects with the next. Consider using more cohesive devices to improve the flow between paragraphs and arguments.
coherence cohesion
Though you included an effective introduction and conclusion, work on strengthening the introduction by explicitly stating your position or thesis. This will guide the reader's understanding of your main argument from the outset.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both perspectives before providing your own opinion. This is a strong demonstration of addressing the task fully.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and provides a clear stance on the issue, reinforcing the overall argument made in the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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