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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 hold a strong belief that
people
Use synonyms
 who use modern devices will become cohesive, but others believe that it can make us have a distance. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both
of
Change preposition
apply
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views and I will give my opinion. On the one hand, I suppose that when society relies on modern technologies they can broaden their horizons by many knowledge and
also
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 they can easily access the Internet.
For example
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, the young generation always using their mobile phone to chit and chat with friends and they
also
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 communicate with long-distance relationships no matter how far apart they are.
Moreover
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, nowadays;
people
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 prefer using cutting-edge devices
such
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 as robot vacuum, dishwasher,... so that they have more spare time to take care of their family. By the way, up-to-date technologies can help us to share moments and updates with friends or family through instant photos, videos and status updates and
this
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 is one of the methods to bring
people
Use synonyms
 together.
On the other hand
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, modern devices will bring a lot of bad habits
for
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to
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 society.
Firstly
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, when they choose to waste most of their time on mobile phones and don’t have much time for family or
their
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apply
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friends, they can easily feel alone and become
introverted
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an introverted
the introverted
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 person.
Secondly
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,
people
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 will lack communication skills
as a result
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people
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 will feel confused when they have deep and necessary conversations with others because they can suffer from bored feelings and become too lazy to exchange their stories.
Last
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 but not least, if they let children approach modern technology too soon, it will make them become emotionless with their parents. In conclusion, there will always be two different opinions but I’m convinced by the opinion
say
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apply
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that modern technology will drive us apart because
people
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 are caught up and
they
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apply
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can’t leave
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction effectively outlines the topic and the two sides of the argument. However, you could improve it by using clearer language, such as 'discuss both viewpoints and provide my opinion' instead of 'I will discuss both of views and I will give my opinion.'
Coherence and Cohesion
In your body paragraphs, while you provide good examples, clarifying the connection between technology and its effects on relationships can enhance clarity. For example, rather than saying 'people prefer using cutting-edge devices,' specify how this leads to decreased face-to-face interaction.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the ideas, but it can be strengthened by reiterating the main points discussed in the essay. A concise restatement of your main arguments could provide a more powerful ending.
Task Achievement
You provide a balanced view of the topic by discussing both perspectives, which demonstrates an understanding of the complexities involved.
Task Achievement
You include relevant examples to support your points, showing your ability to back up your statements with concrete evidence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • connectivity
  • communicate
  • social media
  • virtual meetings
  • global community
  • isolation
  • distract
  • face-to-face interaction
  • personal connections
  • dependency
  • technology addiction
  • digital divide
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