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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Young people can frequently play with a phone for a long
time
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.
This
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 is because they find it fulfilling as they can enjoy various things by using smartphones. In my opinion, I believe that
this
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 will lead to negative consequences because they will become addicted to them, which affects their lives. Children often seek enjoyment to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their satisfaction. Using smartphones will expose them to numerous engaging activities online, which attracts their interest since they perceive it as pleasurable and effective in reducing their boredom. One of my friends,
for example
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, continuously wastes her
time
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 surfing through online platforms,
such
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 as Instagram or YouTube, in order to watch interesting videos and see other people’s posts without realizing how much
time
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 she has spent.
Therefore
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, the more they enjoy playing with a phone, the more
time
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 they will invest in it.
However
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, playing with smartphones can lead to detrimental effects on children’s lives, particularly in their academic performance. They will be reluctant to put their phones down to do their responsibilities because they only want to seek happiness by using their phones.
For instance
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, my cousin persistently refuses to limit her
time
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 using a phone since she is already addicted to it, which makes her neglect all her assignments.
Consequently
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, she got lower grades and a bad reputation at her school
due to
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 her inability to complete the materials.
Hence
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, if young people become more obsessed with their phones, they will become uncontrollable and face more difficulties, which is why they will experience adverse impacts.
To conclude
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, aiming for enjoyment and
fulfillment
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fulfilment
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 is the major cause of children’s excessive smartphone use, which I contend can result in negative developments since they will deal with hardships in their lives,
such
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 as poor academic outcomes.

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coherence cohesion
Focus on varying sentence structures and link ideas more fluidly to enhance readability. This will also help in making logical connections between different parts of the essay clearer.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or evidence to bolster the arguments, making the points more convincing and robust.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all sentences contribute meaningfully to the argument, and remove any that may be redundant or repetitive.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the arguments, such as the anecdotes about friends and cousins.
task achievement
Clear introduction and conclusion framing the main argument effectively, providing a comprehensive response to the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure with distinct paragraphs detailing each point clearly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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