IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Excessive consumption of sugar causes many health related issues. Some people believe the government should control population’s sugar intake while others think people themselves should be responsible for their sugar eating habits. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#consumption #sugar #health #people #government #control #population’s #intake #habits
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In recent times,
over consumption
Correct your spelling
overconsumption
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 of sweet
food
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 has aroused great attention among the public.
While
Linking Words
 some people argue that the officials are
expected
Add the particle
expected to
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 regulate
sugar
Use synonyms
intake
Use synonyms
, I believe that citizens themselves are more crucial to combat
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
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 issues caused by
sugar
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. On the one hand, it`s significant for
government
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the government
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 to take some measures to control residents`
sugar
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 input. By promoting the danger of excessive
intake
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 of sweet
food
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,
such
Linking Words
 as candies, chocolates,
butters
Correct word choice
and butters
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, through
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media like Ticko, Weibo, or television, it can indeed raise the awareness of health, enabling citizens
attach
Add the particle
to attach
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 great importance to limiting that kind of
food
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intake
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.
In addition
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, setting
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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strict criteria or lowering the proportion of
sugar
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 for companies producing sweet
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
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 is
also
Linking Words
 helpful to limit
sugar
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intake
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.
For example
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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companies have to attach warning signs to those with
sugar
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 issues like diabetes in their products, which will remind people
of
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apply
show examples
not
eating
Change the verb form
to eat
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this
Linking Words
food
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.
On the other hand
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, self-control is
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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paramount for people to improve their health. That means they should have a firm will to resist the
alure
Correct your spelling
allure
lure
 of
sugar
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, striking a balance between
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 diet and sweet snacks. What`s more, developing healthy eating habits is beneficial to their fitness. Taking
balanced
Correct article usage
a balanced
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 diet
combining
Wrong verb form
combined
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 with meat and
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
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 and
controling
Correct your spelling
controlling
 low
sugar
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intake
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 daily basis will definitely build up their bodies in the long run. In conclusion, it`s important for government to take action to limit people`s
sugar
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 input, the self-control and healthy eating habits of citizens are more helpful and crucial for
sugar
Use synonyms
 regulation. It`s better to strike a balance between official control and
self-displine
Correct your spelling
self-discipline
.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
Provide a clearer explanation or reasoning for why self-control is more important than government intervention, offering specific examples or evidence to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay maintains a logical flow by using clearer transitional phrases, making the relationship between ideas more explicit and enhancing the overall coherence.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a balanced discussion before giving a clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
A clear introduction and conclusion are present, providing a framework for the essay's argument.
task achievement
Good use of examples, such as the mention of social media and warning signs, adds depth to the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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