IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Successful sports professionals can eam a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and provide your own opinion

#sports #professionals #eam #money #people #professions
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Athletes
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 who have succeeded in their sport can earn way more
money
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 than
people
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 in other significant professions. For some
people
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,
this
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 is completely reasonable and legitimate,
whereas
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 others claim that it is not a fair practice. In my opinion, the
amount
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 of
money
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 that
sportsmen
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 receive is absolutely legit and deserved. On the one hand,
athletes
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 gain
money
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 from different sources, since their popularity allows them to earn
money
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 on their famous name by doing advertisements. Big companies are used to paying
athletes
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 for videos and banners with their presence
,
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apply
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 because it increases the popularity of certain products.
In addition
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, most
athletes
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 represent
a
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apply
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professionalism on an extremely high level,
thus
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people
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 want to see their performance and purchase tickets for the competitions, subscribe to live streams or buy t-shirts with the same name on the back as
athletes
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 have. It cumulatively brings a tremendously enormous
amount
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 of
money
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 for
sportsmen
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,
however
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, there are years of training and hard work behind
this
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money
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.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 believe that other significant professions are paid less in comparison with
the
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apply
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athletes
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. It is commonly argued that doctors, teachers or policemen should receive a bigger salary because their contribution to society is more valuable and noticeable.
Moreover
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, these
people
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 claim that regardless of what was sacrificed by
sportsmen
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 in order to reach success, policemen or firefighters risk their lives more on a daily basis.
Therefore
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, they believe that it is unlegitimate for
athletes
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 to earn
such
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 a huge
amount
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 of
money
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. For me,
sportsmen
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 had to go through tremendously hard obstacles and hardship, and most often get injured and sweat on training or preparations in order to succeed in a competition.
Thus
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, they had to become the best and win other thousand
sportsmen
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 by dedicating more time and effort to training and sacrificing their personal lives. From
this
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 perspective, the
amount
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 of
money
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 sportspersons receive
at the end
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 is 100% fair. In conclusion,
sportsmen
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 who earned their name through hard work and putting in huge amounts of effort eventually fairly obtain
money
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 from different sources,
such
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 as advertisements or competitions.
Nevertheless
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, there are professionals who risk their lives as well,
for instance
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, policemen and it is believed that they
also
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 deserve a decent wage. In my own view, the hardships that
sportsmen
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 have to face during a career correspond with the
amount
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 of
money
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 they receive.
Submitted by akylov.a on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that examples provided are more specific and pertinent to enhance relevance. For instance, mentioning specific athletes or exact earning figures could bolster arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve transitions between ideas and paragraphs, use linking words or phrases to clarify how points are interconnected.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear and balanced discussion of both views, followed by a well-argued personal opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
An effective introduction and conclusion are present, clearly framing the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas are logically structured, ensuring easy comprehension.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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