IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
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There is a growing opinion
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual privacy on media communication
such
Linking Words
 as WhatsApp and Line should be monitored by the
Use synonyms
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
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 to protect the nation's security.
On the other hand
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,
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 people did not agree with
this
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 notion. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
perspectives
to
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on
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 the phenomenon, First and foremost, there are several advantages
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 acquiring individual data.
Firstly
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,
this
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 can strengthen the culture and tradition of society since they have limited exposure to other countries
such
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 as
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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North Korea.
This
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resulting
Replace the word
results
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to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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harmony
as well as
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 peace in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Besides
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 that, it prevents unpleasant
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 like terrorism
thus
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 the
authority
Use synonyms
 can mitigate
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 more fast and
effective
Change the word
effectively
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, it can create drawbacks
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
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 issue as it can reduce freedom among
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
. To illustrate
this
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, the majority of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in my home country is
muslim
Change the capitalization
Muslim
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thus
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 a lot of women
using
Wrong verb form
use
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Hijab
Correct article usage
the Hijab
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 to avoid sin from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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God.
However
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, if they are going to call their relatives, they sometimes
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not
using
Change the verb form
use
show examples
Hijab
Correct article usage
the Hijab
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, when the
authority
Use synonyms
supervising
Wrong verb form
supervises
show examples
 their call, it
offense
Fix the agreement mistake
offenses
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 their action.
Moreover
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, it reduces
innovation
Correct article usage
the innovation
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 of an idea since they
scared
Add a missing verb
are scared
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 to express what they think.
It
Add a verb
It is
It was
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also
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 worthwhile to note that working from home
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been widely
adapted
Correct your spelling
adopted
show examples
 in recent days.
Consequently
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, several
business
Change to a plural noun
businesses
show examples
 using online platforms like Zoom and Google meet to discuss their task.
As a result
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, when
government
Correct article usage
the government
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obtaining
Wrong verb form
obtains
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 meeting notes
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
Correct article usage
the company
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company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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, it
created
Wrong verb form
creates
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perjudiced
Correct your spelling
prejudiced
prejudice
 among the
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 since the
authority
Use synonyms
 can spread their strategy to other competitors. In conclusion, I believe the disadvantages
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 accessing private data by the authorities
surpassing
Wrong verb form
surpass
show examples
 the
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly addresses either the supporting or opposing view. The reasons for each perspective should be logically placed.
task achievement
Introduce relevant examples that can further illustrate your points, ensuring clarity and support for your arguments.
task achievement
Each point made should directly respond to the task and be thoroughly explored to fulfill the task requirements.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly outlines the opposing views regarding government access to communication data, which helps in setting up the discussion.
introduction conclusion present
A conclusion is presented that states the writer’s opinion effectively, contributing to the task response criteria.
supported main points
The essay offers insights into how these actions could create social harmony and security as well as potential drawbacks like loss of freedom.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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