IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Most people are worried about young children playing video games, what problems might these games cause as a whole to society and individuals? What solutions can you suggest to reduce these problems.

#people #children #video #games #society #individuals
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Many people are concerned about young
children
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 playing
video
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games
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, as these
games
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 can lead to several problems for both individuals and society.
While
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video
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games
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 can be entertaining and even educational, excessive use can have negative effects. One of the main problems is that
children
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 may spend too much
time
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 playing
video
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games
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, leading to a lack of physical activity.
This
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 sedentary
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 can contribute to health issues
such
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 as obesity, poor posture, and eye strain.
Additionally
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,
children
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 who focus on
video
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games
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 for long hours may have less
time
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 for outdoor activities and socializing, which can affect their social skills and emotional development. Another concern is the content of some
video
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games
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. Many
games
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 contain violent or inappropriate material, which can influence
children
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's
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
. Studies have shown that violent
games
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 may increase aggression or desensitize
children
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 to violence.
Moreover
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,
children
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 can become addicted to gaming, which may result in neglecting schoolwork or family
time
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. To reduce these problems, parents can play an important role by setting clear limits on the amount of
time
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 their
children
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 spend on
video
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games
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. Encouraging outdoor activities, sports, and hobbies can help
children
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 develop a balanced lifestyle. Game developers
also
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 have a responsibility to create
games
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 that are appropriate for
children
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 and avoid harmful content.
Additionally
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, schools could educate both parents and students about the potential risks of excessive gaming. In conclusion,
while
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video
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games
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 are a popular form of entertainment, they can cause issues if not managed properly. With proper guidance and moderation,
children
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 can enjoy
video
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games
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 without suffering from negative effects.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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task response
To enhance the essay, consider providing specific examples or data to support the points about health issues such as obesity, or the effects of violent games on behavior. Such details would add depth to your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that sentences and ideas flow smoothly by using more transitional words and phrases to guide the reader through your points. This can help enhance the coherence of your writing.
structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the discussion neatly.
task response
Main points are well supported, with ideas logically developed throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both societal and individual problems associated with video gaming, providing a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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