Some argue that having substantial wealth and limited leisure time is preferable to having less money but more free time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It has been argued that possessing significant wealth, despite limited leisure hours, is more desirable than having fewer financial resources but extra free
time
. I totally disagree with the statement becauseUse synonyms
,
it will take a human to a hectic Remove the comma
apply
life
schedule and some severe diseases like obesity and Use synonyms
depression
.
To commence with, to increase a better financial position a human needs to do lots of struggle . Working all day under stress to make money will lead a man to a very busy Use synonyms
life
having little Use synonyms
time
for themselves and their loved ones. Use synonyms
Moreover
, the great burden of industry makes an individual deal with the tension and performance at the same Linking Words
time
all day . Use synonyms
For instance
, to raise purchasing power a man needs to sacrifice his Linking Words
life
over performance and live under job strain always.
Another reason is that it can cause some critical illnesses Use synonyms
such
as obesity and Linking Words
depression
because if a human works all the Use synonyms
time
he will not have a moment to exercise, eat a healthy diet and, enough rest which will put on his weight more than normal. Use synonyms
Similarly
, it will cause Linking Words
depression
as an individual does not spend enough hours with family and friends, is isolated from the job, and always lives under tension. Use synonyms
For example
, a study from the World Health Organization has shown that if a man spends too much period on assignments and does not do relaxation more likely to get obese and depressed.
In conclusion, I completely disagree with the statement of a handsome salary and less self-Linking Words
time
over being less financially stable and having more self-Use synonyms
time
because it will lead an individual to live a very busy Use synonyms
life
with strain and Use synonyms
also
cause some health issues Linking Words
such
as being overweight and Linking Words
depression
.Use synonyms
Submitted by sanjanasharma1905 on
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Coherence & Cohesion
Try to ensure that your ideas flow smoothly from one paragraph to the next. Currently, some transitions between points can be abrupt. Using linking words and phrases will help in making the essay more cohesive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the logical organization by outlining each point clearly in your essay plan, ensuring that each main idea is expanded upon in a separate paragraph. This will help in providing a more structured response.
Task Achievement
Some points in the essay could have deeper analysis or examples. Try to expand on specific cases or statistics to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Clarify and simplify complex sentence structures whenever possible. This will ensure that your ideas are clear and easy to follow, thus improving their comprehensiveness.
Overall Structure
The essay has a clear structure, with both an introduction and conclusion that addresses the main question effectively.
Position Consistency
You have maintained a consistent position throughout the essay, effectively challenging the notion of wealth over free time with relevant arguments.
Supporting Evidence
There are relevant examples used to support your claims, particularly the reference to the World Health Organization, which adds credibility to your argument.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite