IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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While
Linking Words
 some would argue that youngsters nurtured with competitive teaching should be encouraged in order to survive adulthood in the future, I think that cooperation should rather be emphasised as it leads to the development of vital soft
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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, namely resilience. As
the
Correct article usage
a
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 matter of fact
that
Correct word choice
apply
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competition is inevitable in our society,
teaching
Correct word choice
and teaching
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children
Use synonyms
 to compete
one
Change preposition
with one
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 another
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
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 them to prepare for being
a grown-ups
Correct the article-noun agreement
a grown-up
grown-ups
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. It is true that we are all fighting against each other throughout our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 and by immerse
this
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 life lesson
for
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apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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at a young age can help them survive in their community when older. Take China,
for example
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; they
are grow
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are growing
are grown
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 up with
fiercely
Change the word
fierce
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 academic competition since primary school in order to
defeating
Change the verb
defeat
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 other graduates for limited job offers.
However
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, I believe that raising them in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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competitive surroundings does not always guarantee that they will be successful adults or not.
On the other hand
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, it is thought that
children
Use synonyms
 being taught to be cooperative will benefit them later as
this
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 is the key
skills
Fix the agreement mistake
skill
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 in life. To simply explain, we are all good at something
while
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 others are not and so do we. It is understandable
that
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apply
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why people who
is
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are
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 cooperative
often
Add a missing verb
are often
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 preferable by many people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society as they
likely
Add a missing verb
are likely
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 to help
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 rather than focusing on the benefit of
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
.
For instance
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, many
children
Use synonyms
 in Thailand are thought to be cooperative through parenting
that
Correct word choice
and that
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 we should help and support each other. I believe
this
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 school of thought is preferable because it
create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
 resilient adults and
peaceful
Correct article usage
a peaceful
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 community in the future. In conclusion,
although
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 competition is unavoidable for
children
Use synonyms
 and teaching
this
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 might be a preparation for them,
this
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 does not
certified
Change the verb form
certify
show examples
 the success of being adult, because they do not have resilience which is more crucial for them in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure grammatical accuracy to strengthen coherence and avoid confusion. Minor errors can sometimes hinder understanding.
coherence cohesion
Vary your sentence structures to enhance clarity and avoid repetition. This will help maintain the reader's interest and improve overall understanding.
task achievement
Effectively discusses both viewpoints, offering a balanced perspective on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the essay's arguments.
task achievement
Uses relevant examples to support main points, making the argument more compelling and relatable.
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