IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours everyday on their smart phones. Why is this the case?Do you think this is a possitive or negative development? .ZH

#children #hours #phones #case #possitive #development #zh
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Today, a number of pupils spend a huge amount of time watching or scrolling their mobile
phones
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. So, we can see the positive side of watching
phones
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 for a long period for their education and the negative too because their addiction to
phones
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 leads to
health
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 problems like : depression, anxiety and
health
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 conditions. As we can see, there are a lot of positive sides which are really important for everybody, so, first of all, you will get a lot of information, enhance your knowledge, and
also
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, you can find friends on social media.
However
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, these activities will take your time.
For example
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: every individual can watch some interesting videos about their study like TED talkers or maybe IELTS Advantages video lessons. So,
that is
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 the positive part of spending hours every day on their smartphones for their personal needs or developments.
However
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, there will be a negative side effect of
health
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 issues and anxiety related to their posture or eye vision.
Furthermore
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, mobile
phones
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 can cause headaches or other symptoms for our children so
that is
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 why we need to use
this
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 with special services.
For example
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 : in Japan, they have some troubles with mental
health
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 issues, as I say headache and eye problems
according to
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 the Japan Medical Association.
Hence
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,these types of problems can be in every country. In conclusion, there are positive and negative consequences of these issues.
Nevertheless
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, there are not only the positive effects that influence our study system and the negative impact can make it worse for our lives.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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introduction conclusion present
The introduction is present, but it could be strengthened by clearly outlining the main argument or perspective of the essay.
complete response
While the essay covers positive and negative aspects as requested, the arguments could be supported with more specific examples or empirical evidence.
logical structure
Try to maintain a clearer and more logical structure by using transition words more effectively, and ensure each paragraph has a main idea that is followed through coherently.
clear comprehensive ideas
Some ideas are briefly mentioned but not fully explained or connected to the main argument. Expanding on these points would improve clarity.
complete response
The essay attempts to discuss both positive and negative sides of children spending time on smartphones, which aligns well with the task requirements.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion attempts to wrap up the discussion, reflecting on both sides of the argument, which is a good practice.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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