Some people think that children are having to much free time and this time should be use to study more. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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There is no denying the fact that
children
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's leisure
time
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is essential to spend in a useful way.
While
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it is a commonly held belief that some people think that kids should be using their free
time
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to do more schoolwork, there is an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that parents should organise their child's free
time
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to help them spend it in a beneficial path outside of schoolwork. 
To begin
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with,
family
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the family
a family
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should allocate
this
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time
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to allow
children
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to find their hobbies.
In other words
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, all
children
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spend all day at
schools
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school
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, mostly seven hours, and
then
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they have some free
time
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at home, and during
this
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time
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we should help them to explore their hobbies to get relaxed and avoid stress.
In addition
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, most of the successful influencers,
such
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as authors, actors, and singers, their hobbies become their practical field.
For example
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, the famous Saudi actor Ali Ahmed, their parents help him to find his hobby in his leisure
time
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after school.  Another point to consider is that family should spend
time
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together in their free
time
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.It is
also
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possible to say that, in the development of industry, both mother and father work hard to secure their family's financial resources, and
as a result
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, they spend maybe one or two hours with the
children
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.
Moreover
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, when a child spends
time
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with adults, he is immediately affected by them and learns so many things,
such
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as confidence, responsibility, critical thinking, and all these soft skills that are important for daily life. In conclusion, in their free
time
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, kids learn and do many things, and parents must be focused
to use
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on using
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it in a wonderful path.
Submitted by mnm_234 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph develops a single clear idea, and use more signposting to guide the reader through your argument.
Task Achievement
Consider addressing the opposing viewpoint in more depth to strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Check for small grammatical errors or awkward phrases that can slightly hamper clarity.
Introduction
The introduction effectively sets up the essay by presenting both sides of the argument.
Examples
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, such as the mention of Ali Ahmed, to support its points.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the essay’s argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental effects
  • mental well-being
  • life skills
  • communication
  • teamwork
  • empathy
  • physical development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • unstructured play
  • cognitive development
  • academic performance
  • fatigue
  • motivation
  • quality over quantity
  • work-life balance
  • time management
  • well-rounded personality
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