IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Experts say that older people stay healthy when they spend time with others.nowadays older people experience loneliness and poor health conditions.what are the causes of this and suggest some solutions

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According to
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 some experts, there is growing loneliness and bad medical conditions among seniors. I think it's because of the norm that
children
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 should move out at a certain age, and
also
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 the lack of youngsters supervision for elders' health. For solving the issues, enhancing family
connections
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, and teaching kids their responsibilities towards their elders.  It's common in some societies that kids must be completely independent of their household after the age of 18, they may move to another city or country.
This
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 means that the parents are no longer a huge part of their lives or included in their future plans.
Consequently
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, the parents will feel neglected and forgotten, leading them to experience loneliness.
Furthermore
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, the lack of supervision from
children
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 may worsen the health of older people.
This
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 is because seniors need help when taking medications or remembering the dates of their appointments. 
Therefore
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, without the care of someone else, seniors may face serious medical problems.
For example
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, recent studies have shown that elderly individuals with supervision by caregivers had better health outcomes. To fix the issues that occur, spreading awareness about the significance of keeping family ties even after moving out by teaching citizens through schools or temples or publishing TV programs with awareness messages.
This
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 act will program youngsters' brains to have thick
connections
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 with their families and awaken their conscience and sympathy. Thereby, the elderly will be taken care of physically and emotionally. To illustrate, research shows that teaching family bonds through schools and media improved
children
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's respect for family and strengthened their emotional
connections
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. To illustrate, research shows that teaching family bonds through schools and media improved
children
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's respect for family and strengthened their emotional
connections
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. In conclusion, I think that weakening the bonds with parents after a certain age will expose them to feeling lonely and unable to take care of themselves at some point. For that, promoting the principle of household ties and caring for elders will alleviate the severity of the issue

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task achievement
Try to clarify the link between the reasoning that young people moving out leads to loneliness and the subsequent health problems. Expand on the connection a bit more to solidify the argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow by ensuring each paragraph logically flows into the next. The transition from talking about causes to the solutions section could be smoother.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction is concise and introduces the main points clearly. Some sentences could be more direct to improve clarity.
task achievement
The essay provides specific examples and evidence, such as studies to back up claims about health outcomes, which strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and clearly outlined, helping to frame the essay well.
task achievement
The essay successfully suggests solutions and provides reasons why these would be effective, showing depth in addressing the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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