IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Most people feel that private lives of celebrities shouldn't be openly shared by the media To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Recent
Change preposition
In recent
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 years with
development
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the development
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 of technology, social
media
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 has become more popular among
people
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. Most
people
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 have
a
Correct article usage
the
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 opinion that every aspect of
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
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lives
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 of famous
persons
Replace the word
people
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 shouldn't be posted on the
media
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explore
this
Linking Words
 idea and explain why I completely agree with
these statement
Change the determiner
this statement
these statements
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. Sharing private
lives
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 on social
media
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 is seen as an unacceptable case by society.
Because divorce
Correct word choice
Divorce
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 among families is mainly
due to
Linking Words
excessive
Correct article usage
the excessive
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 sharing
their
Change preposition
of their
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lives
Use synonyms
 by the
media
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. Because
of attracting
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to attract
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attention
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the attention
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 of
public
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the public
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, the
media
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 often show what makes them popular, not reality. So
this
Linking Words
 fake news and information can lead to arguments. In fact, every
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people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
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, including celebrities,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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their
Change the word
the
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rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to keep their
lives
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 as
secretly
Change the word
secret
show examples
 as they want. Despite
of
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apply
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this
Linking Words
, most
fans
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 follow them step by step to take a photo of what they are doing to
take
Verb problem
get
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 more attention
on
Change preposition
in
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 the
media
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, sharing their
lives
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 despite their disagreement is breaking rights and unethical.
Instead
Linking Words
 of personal matters, social
media
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 should more focus on their work and achievements.
However
Linking Words
, in my opinion, they choose themselves to be in the public eye, and they should know what popularity
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
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. When it comes to popularity, the more you become famous, the more you attract public attention. Across the world, there are millions of
people
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 who watch and imitate them. So
fans
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 of popular
people
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 want to watch the celebrity they like every day and become a person like their idol.
That is
Linking Words
 why most individuals should accept
this
Linking Words
 as an ordinary case. In conclusion, even if most
people
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 think that the private
lives
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 of well-known
people
Use synonyms
 should remain personal, I think sharing their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 among
fans
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 is normal because
fans
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 of them would like to watch them what they are doing in every situation.

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task achievement
Clearly state your position in the introduction and ensure each paragraph supports this thesis statement. This makes the essay's purpose clearer.
task achievement
Provide specific examples to enhance and support your arguments. This could be based on current celebrities or hypothetical scenarios to strengthen each point.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking ideas effectively between paragraphs. The transition from one idea to another should be smooth and logical.
coherence cohesion
Consider refining your structure by dedicating separate paragraphs to your main points instead of combining them, which improves clarity.
structure
You provided a solid introduction and conclusion, which effectively bookend your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses a relevant and engaging topic, showing a strong awareness of current events and societal trends.
coherence cohesion
You attempt to balance the essay by considering multiple perspectives, which shows critical thinking and understanding of complexity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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