IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #face #development
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It is true that in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 modern world, the number of citizens choosing to socialise via online
platforms
Use synonyms
 rather than face-to-face interactions is increasing considerably.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon
have
Change the verb form
has
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 some positive effects,
overall
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 its drawbacks are more significant. The main benefit of social networks is that they allow individuals who do not have friends in their real lives
meet
Fix the infinitive
to meet
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 them virtually. It can be done in one click without any necessity for going out.
As a result
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,
people
Use synonyms
 making new acquaintances on the internet lose the feeling of loneliness which, in turn, increases their well-being. To illustrate, recent research published in the Times broadsheet has reported that approximately 40% of youth turn to online
platforms
Use synonyms
 avoiding meeting their peers in person and, at the same time, getting
kick
Wrong verb form
kicked
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 out of it.
Hence
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, chatting online is part and parcel
in
Change preposition
of
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social
Correct article usage
the social
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 lives of
the
Correct article usage
a
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 significant segment of
population
Add an article
the population
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. Despite the positive side of social networks and messengers, I consider that they are a negative development for several reasons. First of all, the multiple pictures of perfections presented by
people
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
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 social
platforms
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such
Linking Words
 as Instagram or Facebook, might be unreal.
Also
Linking Words
, the absence of any checks associated with the personal information published in
people
Use synonyms
's accounts might result in chatting with cheats.
In addition
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, those who got used to liaising with their friends online, might not have enough courage to meet them in the real
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
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. Quite frequently, they cannot make an important step to invite someone out, even if
this
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 person is extremely attractive to them. They just do not know how to behave in reality.
As a result
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,
such
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 relationships might end without being started.
For instance
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, one of my acquaintances who is an active user of social networks, cannot find his love throughout years because he is afraid to approach the opposite gender in real life, which would not be an issue
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if
people
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 do not use online
platforms
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 so commonly. In conclusion,
while
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 I recognise
possible
Add an article
the possible
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advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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 of socialising online, I am convinced that we lose more than we gain from
this
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 development.
Submitted by halynasmyk953 on

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grammar
Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences to improve grammatical accuracy. For example, "this phenomenon have some positive effects" should be "this phenomenon has some positive effects."
style
Work on varying sentence structures to enhance readability and flow. Some sentences can be simplified for clearer communication.
content
Consider providing more balanced arguments by further elaborating on the positive aspects or mentioning counterarguments.
organization
The introduction clearly presents the topic and your overall opinion on the matter, preparing the reader for the arguments that follow.
evidence
You provide relevant examples, such as the research from the Times broadsheet, which effectively supports your points about online socialization's positives and negatives.
cohesion
The essay utilizes good transitional phrases to logically connect the ideas, such as "despite the positive side" and "in conclusion," which aids in reader comprehension.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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