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Writing Samples
Band 7

Long distance flight consumes the amount of fuel that a car uses for many years and pollutes the air. Some people think that we should discourage non-essential flights, such as tourists travel, rather than limit the use of cars. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Angsa

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It is claimed that long-distance movement via plane utilises more fuel and pollutes the atmosphere more than vehicles release over many years and
this
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 caused the argument of whether non-essential flights should be reduced in number. I totally disagree with the statement as it leads to the cease of the worldwide economy and causes much trouble in terms of timing. Having diminished the flight frequency, various fields around the world are likely to
be deteriorated
Change to the active voice
deteriorate
have deteriorated
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, which directly depends on the speed of the transport. Not only does a plane shorten the time of the transportation of both people and goods, but it
also
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 is the safest way to deliver the items.
Moreover
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, other transports may well consume more fuel and contaminate the air delivering the items to the destinations.
For instance
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, statistics by the International Organisation of the Petroleum Exporting Countries indicate the figures that aircraft utilise and release emissions 34% less rather than vehicles emit to transfer between destinations.
In addition
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, the economic system worldwide is to experience a decline owing to the cease of plane travel. If a given suggestion takes place, spheres
such
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 as travel, medicine, exportation and business will probably encounter a crisis, because these are the professions which highly need the assistance of the aircraft. Kazakhstan can be a primary example to show the significance of the situation. As it does not border with oceans, the only means of transferring method in urgent cases is the airline system. During the Quarantine period, because of the mere delays by the transporting country,
not to mention
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 the stopping, caused the deaths of a number of citizens
due to
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 the lack of time. In conclusion, even though aircraft emit far greater amounts of fuel, I disagree with the idea of reducing air travel. At no account can cars be faster than planes and the situation might become the root of difficulties in the worldwide economy.

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coherence and cohesion
Enhance the clarity of your thesis statement in the introduction. Clearly state your main argument and the points you will cover in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that it logically connects to your main argument to improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Use more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate a wider range of language use.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to strengthen your arguments, making them clearer and more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a clear opinion which is consistently maintained throughout the text.
task achievement
The relevance of examples used, particularly regarding Kazakhstan’s reliance on air travel during quarantine, adds a meaningful context to your argument.
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