IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customer travel to large shoping malls to do their shoping. is this a positive or negative development.

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Nowadays most small businesses haven't developed, one of the businesses is small shops because some clients prefer to visit the supermarket or huge mall. One hand, it is positively affected
for
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apply
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a big business but
on the other
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hand
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hand,
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this
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 phenomenon impacts negative action for some small traders. In
this
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 essay, I would like to mention both effects and I show my personal view.
Last
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 three decades, most cities have developed rapidly, and the population has grown.
Therefore
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, as the resident's buying ability increases, they can go shopping in large amounts. So citizens of large cities use cars and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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travel to big shopping malls or if they get service from convenience chain
stores
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 who want to go to the closest shop in their home.
For example
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, in the
last
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 six
years
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years,
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 they opened 56 branch convenience
stores
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 named CU. Those
stores
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 work everywhere in my city, which has been invested
from
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in in
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 South Korea. There is a sale that everybody needs.
On the other hand
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, some small traders or owners of little shops have failed their business since opening these chain convenience
stores
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. It is very hard to develop their business
due to
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 they already have a lot of debt from
bank
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banks
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 or finance organizations. Customers are very curious, they like to visit other new
stores
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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,
in
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apply
show examples
studies have shown
last
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 five years received bankrupts over 30 tiny traders in Ulaanbaatar city, who were
trader grocery
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traders groceries
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 included common use. In conclusion, the good news is that some businesses are thriving successfully,
such
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 as huge department
stores
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, comfortable malls, and chain grocery
stores
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. They can provide numerous employees of
this
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 city. But in my opinion, our government has to consider small shop owners, because they need more information or sufficient finance sources to survive.

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task achievement
Strengthen your task response by clearly addressing whether this is a positive or negative development. While you mentioned both sides, you could make your stance clearer in the introduction and the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Enhance cohesion by using more linking phrases to connect different ideas and points more smoothly, especially between paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples that directly support your points. Your mention of studies is good, but more specific data or scenarios could enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a good introduction and conclusion, giving your essay a clear beginning and end.
task achievement
You've identified both positive and negative aspects of the issue, demonstrating balanced analysis.
task achievement
Attempted to support your points with examples, which helps in illustrating your arguments.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • decline of local economies
  • unemployment
  • vibrancy
  • uniqueness
  • convenience
  • diverse range
  • reduce travel expenses
  • urbanization
  • environmental issues
  • habitat destruction
  • increased pollution
  • cultural identity
  • personal touch
  • competitive pressure
  • niche markets
  • specialty stores
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