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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar graph below shows basic information about uses of leisure time among different age groups.

The bar graph below shows basic information about uses of leisure time among different age groups.
The bar chart provides key information about pastime and how
people
Use synonyms
 spend it. It is decided
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 three categories reading, computer, and
sports
Use synonyms
 and exercise depending on what they want to do. The units are measured in minutes per weekend day.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clear from the graph that the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 who are reading in their
leisure
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 was high.
In addition
Linking Words
, those who use the computer in their
leisure
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
, increase user percentage of
sports
Use synonyms
 and exercise.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown who person do
sports
Use synonyms
 and exercise were aged between 20-65
years
Use synonyms
 old their proportion was 120,
however
Linking Words
 began to drop who aged 13-19 and over 66
years
Use synonyms
 old between 20-60 respectively. Seventy-five person their aged between 13-
19
Correct word choice
and 19
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 old
they are using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 computers during their
leisure
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 those aged between 20 to over 66
years
Use synonyms
 old have the same number 30. The numerous of
people
Use synonyms
 who read in their
leisure
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 starts increasing with age from 5 to 60 person. In terms of who uses the computer during
leisure
Use synonyms
 most than reading and playing
sports
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 aged between 13 and 19 apposes than persons aged 20-65
years
Use synonyms
 old.

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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, sports, leisure, time, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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