IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

obesity is a widespread health issue in this modern era. what are the causes and effects on society?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
in the contemporary world,
people
Use synonyms
 are facing various
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 in
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
concerning health problem. there are abundant
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 behind
this
Linking Words
 problem and with the increasing trend of
this
Linking Words
, it has negative effects on society. the main cause behind
this
Linking Words
 is instant
food
Use synonyms
, which is famous in every age group.
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to eat
these ready-to-eat meal
Change the determiner
this ready-to-eat meal
these ready-to-eat meals
show examples
 because of less time.
Linking Words
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 example,
people
Use synonyms
 are having hectic
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 which they prefer canned
food
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of preparing
food
Use synonyms
 at home in order to save their time. but these instant
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
 are not healthy because of unhealthy ingredients present in these for their long-lasting usage.
apart from
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, opening
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
 on every corner of
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
 and increasing
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
food
Use synonyms
 is another reason to attract more
people
Use synonyms
 toward
this
Linking Words
.
this
Linking Words
 trend has numerous bad impacts not only on obese
people
Use synonyms
Linking Words
as well as
Rephrase
but also
show examples
 on society
too
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. with
this
Linking Words
 significant inclined in the number of
obesity
Use synonyms
 cases,
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 system
face
Change the verb form
faces
show examples
 a huge burden.
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a recent survey held in
india
Change the capitalization
India
show examples
 shows that they notice the heart-attack cases in every
age-group
Correct your spelling
age group
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
common
Correct quantifier usage
more common
show examples
 than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past
obesity
Use synonyms
 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 put half of
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 budget only
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 health care system because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are easy to prone
other disease
Change the wording
another disease
other diseases
show examples
also
Linking Words
such
Linking Words
 as cholesterol, high blood pressure etcetera
due to
Linking Words
 high level of fatty acids in their body.
to conclude
Linking Words
,
obesity
Use synonyms
 is a debatable issue because of junk
food
Use synonyms
 popularity and bad eating habits which cause negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 health system and budget.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to elaborate more on specific causes and effects. For example, discuss how lifestyle changes or lack of physical activity contribute to obesity. Provide more nuanced examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing coherence between paragraphs. Try using more transitional phrases to link ideas effectively across different sections of your essay.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents both causes and effects of obesity, covering instant food and its implications on health systems as relevant points.
coherence cohesion
You have clearly included an introduction and a conclusion, which helps provide a structure to your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: