IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discussion both these views and give your own opinion.

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There are competing views on development plans for public
health
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. Some
people
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 think that increasing the number of
sports
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facilities
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 can increase healthy habits for society,
while
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 others think that has little effect on
health
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 equity. I believe that
facilities
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 are important, but there are other appearances that have many capabilities and are beneficial for many populations. On the one hand, plans for building many
sports
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facilities
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 had a role can be attract participants doing
sports
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. Many benefits of
sports
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, especially in physical, mental, and social integration.
For example
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,
according to
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 the Sustainable Development Goals of WHO physical activity helps prevent and treat diseases
such
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 as stroke, and diabetes, and controlling blood sugar ensures that many
people
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 doing
sports
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 have healthy lives. So, I believe
with
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that
show examples
 increasing
sports
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 public
facilities
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 might encourage society to move more and get better.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 who think that other aspects of public
health
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 for the government take responsibility
such
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 as vaccination.
Furthermore
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, There are numerous diseases that do not have vaccines.
For instance
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, nowadays, there is no country that has vaccines for HIV. HIV has increased cases in many countries.
Moreover
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, HIV had a prevalence of cases around 43%. So, I believe the government should prioritise any source of decreasing the number of public
health
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 to achieve sustainable public
health
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. In conclusion,
sports
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 fields may be important for increasing well-being but they should not get the highest priority as there are still many appearances of development which have many capabilities and
more
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are more
show examples
 beneficial for many
people
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.

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task achievement
Provide clearer and more comprehensive ideas to fully achieve the task response.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by using transition words and phrases between paragraphs and ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
The main views are well presented and discussed.
task achievement
Efforts were made to address different aspects of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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