IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some people say that what children watch on television influences their behavior while others say the amount of time children spend watching television influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some individuals are of the opinion that the
contents
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 of
televisions
Fix the agreement mistake
television
show examples
is
Change the verb form
are
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 the greatest factor affecting how
kids
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 behave
while
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 others claim that these behavioural effects are caused by how long the
children
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 watch
TV
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. The writer of
this
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 essay believes parental guidance in terms of monitoring what
children
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 consume affects their
behaviour
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 the most. It is vital to understand that what people are consuming significantly affects how we
act
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, especially when it comes to
children
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. In fact,
children
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 are creatures of curiosity, meaning that they are more likely to imitate what they witness day to day.
Furthermore
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,
contents
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 on
TV
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 are designed to capture the attention of viewers as long as possible
due to
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 its attractiveness.
Therefore
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, the images contained in
television
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 gradually entice
children
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 to
act
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 like those whom they look up to on
TV
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. As for those who claim that the
time
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children
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spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 on
TV
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 can change the way they
act
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, it is apparent that spending too much
time
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 on
television
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 can shape a new habit for
children
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. To be more specific,
kids
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 can shape a new habit when that action is repeated enough, and the
act
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 of watching
television
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 is not an exception.
Thus
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,
instead
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 of taking part in social activities
such
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 as hanging out or playing sports,
kids
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 will stay indoors with their eyes attached to the screens,
therefore
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 solidifying the influences of
time
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 management on
kids
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'
behaviour
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. In
this
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 writer's perspective, parenting is the most profound catalyst
sharpening
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for sharpening
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children
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's
behaviour
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.
In other words
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, mothers and fathers are two main involvements that shape a child's personality, they can monitor what their
children
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 watch
as well as
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 set boundaries to ensure exposure to beneficial content. Without parental guidance, not only will the
children
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 be confused with the quality of the
contents
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 they consume but
also
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 they may fail to manage their
time
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 and get addicted to
television
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, thereby emphasizing the vital role of parents in influencing
children
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's
behaviour
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. In conclusion,
although
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 the effects of the
contents
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 and the amount of
time
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 are considerable,
this
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 essay has shown how parenting tremendously affects the way
children
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 behave
due to
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 their familiarity.

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task achievement
To strengthen your task response, consider adding more specific examples to support your points. This will help to ground your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While your logical structure is strong, more linking words or phrases between paragraphs can further enhance coherence.
task achievement
You have addressed both perspectives of the essay prompt well, providing a balanced discussion before presenting your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
You present comprehensive ideas, clearly outlining the arguments for each viewpoint and your personal stance.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • content quality
  • social skills
  • behavioral impact
  • role models
  • parental guidance
  • screen time
  • educational programs
  • observational learning
  • antisocial behavior
  • moral values
  • imitation
  • physical health
  • social interaction
  • academic performance
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