IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example through cell phone tracking and security cameras ). In many cases the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development out whey the disadvantages?

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In recent years, technological advancements have been drastically increased and
being
Add a missing verb
are being
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 used to monitor
people
Change noun form
people's
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 activities.
In particular
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, technologies like GPS
tracker
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trackers
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, Traffic
cameras
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 and hidden video
recorder
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recorders
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 are used to detect crimes.
Moreover
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,
Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
a health
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 tracker with sensors gives
data
Use synonyms
 about
Correct article usage
a persons
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persons
Change noun form
person's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 which, is useful in
early
Correct article usage
the early
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 detection and treatment of certain diseases. At the same time, these innovations pose threats like
data
Use synonyms
 theft and monitoring without
owners
Change noun form
owners'
owner's
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 consent. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss why
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 outweigh the disadvantages. On the positive side, most of the serious crimes are declined by half using GPS tractors and spy
cameras
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, video recording
cameras
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 are installed in every traffic
junctions
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junction
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 and
crime prone
Add a hyphen
crime-prone
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areas
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area
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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,
monitor
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to monitor
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 and detect robbery, murders and chain snatching. Most importantly, it is used as
an evidence
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evidence
a piece of evidence
a shred of evidence
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 to imprison the
law breakers
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lawbreakers
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. On the other side,
health
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 trackers in
smart phones
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smartphones
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helps
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help
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 to monitor the heart rate and oxygen saturation which, helps in
early
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the early
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 diagnosis of certain medical conditions.
For instance
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, apple watches
has
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have
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 heart rate and electrocardiogram
sensor
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sensors
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 that send alert signals to friends and family members when the individual met with an accident or
collapsed
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collapses
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due to
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heart
Correct article usage
a heart
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 attack. On the negative side, every time when someone
install
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installs
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 mobile applications, it collects personal
data
Use synonyms
 from the mobile and stores it. Sometimes, it can be hacked and used for
blackmailing
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blackmail
show examples
.
In addition
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 to that, some
application
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applications
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 might sell
the
Correct article usage
apply
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personal information to third parties like credit card
seller
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sellers
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 or insurance
company
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companies
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.
However
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,
data
Use synonyms
 theft
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 very common and leads to unwanted calls and messages for scamming. So, nothing is personal when it comes to using technologies because everything might be hacked.
For example
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,
truecaller
Correct article usage
the truecaller
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 application collects
datas
Correct your spelling
data
while
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 installing and
sells
Wrong verb form
selling
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 to various organizations. In conclusion, even though there are some risks in using technologies like cell phones and
cameras
Use synonyms
 for tracking, its advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Tracking
health
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 is beneficial for most people and
cameras
Use synonyms
 used by police
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 in detecting crimes. So, with proper regulations and protections like antivirus, these devices
serves
Change the verb form
serve
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great
Add an article
a great
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 purpose.

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task achievement
Ensure that all examples are directly and clearly connected to the point being discussed. While your examples related to health tracking and personal data collection are relevant, consider integrating them more closely to strengthen the overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain consistency in tense usage to improve clarity and coherence. For example, in your introduction, 'technological advancements have been drastically increased' could be changed to 'have drastically increased' for consistency with other parts of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a well-organized structure, with distinct paragraphs addressing both advantages and disadvantages, and a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points with your opinion on the subject.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the reader, succinctly presenting the issue and your viewpoint on the balance of advantages and disadvantages, which helps in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have included relevant and specific examples, such as the use of Apple watches for health monitoring, which add strength to your arguments and demonstrate a good understanding of practical applications of technology.
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