IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is often tought that the increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media. Do you agree that this is the main cause of juvenile crime? What solutions can you offer to deal with this issue?

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It is widely acknowledged that an increase in illegal
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 among young
people
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 can mainly stem from
exposures
Fix the agreement mistake
exposure
show examples
 to violent content
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the media. I disagree with
this
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 notion and
this
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 essay will outline the potential reason behind
this
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 trend and propose viable solutions to
this
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 issue. First and foremost, one compelling argument supporting my stance is that poverty can contribute more to the rise of juvenile
crimes
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 than
such
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 content.
This
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 is because
in
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, in
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 Japan, which is well-known as a country with a rich culture of animation, ranging from romantic stories to violent ones, the number of juvenile
crimes
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 has decreased over the years,
according to
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 some reports.
This
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 means that it might be less meaningful to believe the connection between violent programs and the number of
crimes
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, but rather, poverty can drive them to commit
crimes
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.
This
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 is because nowadays,
people
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 have easy access to the Internet at any time, promoting them to compare with affluent
individuals
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.
As a result
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,
such
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 comparison may generate envy in their minds, leading to illegal actions among less affluent
individuals
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. To address
this
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 issue,
government
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the government
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 should implement age restrictions on the Internet.
This
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 is because limited
exposures
Fix the agreement mistake
exposure
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 to gorgeous lifestyles on social media can prevent young
people
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 in low-income families from committing
crimes
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, leading to a decrease in their crime rates.
Furthermore
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, nations strive to establish support
centers
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centres
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, which are advantageous for not only poor young
people
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 but
also
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 society, since commuting to
such
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centers
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centres
show examples
 may encourage interactions with adults, which creates a sense of community.
Therefore
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, young
individuals
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 feel more connections with society.
Consequently
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, the increased bonds with society encourage them to respect communities more, resulting in a reduction
of
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in
show examples
 illegal actions. In conclusion, in my opinion,
while
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 the primary cause of an increase in juvenile
crimes
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 is poverty and access to the Internet, as the access to social media can generate jealousy among impoverished young
individuals
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, the imposition of age
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
show examples
 and
establishing
Replace the word
establishment
show examples
support
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of support
show examples
 centres can contribute to a decrease in illegal conduct among the youth.

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task achievement
Ensure that all ideas are sufficiently developed with examples.
coherence cohesion
Make sure all sentences contribute to a clear, logical progression of ideas.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction outlining your stance, which effectively sets up the rest of the essay.
task achievement
You included a clear and comprehensive conclusion that summarized the main points discussed.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant examples that effectively support your arguments, such as the example of Japan.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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