IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Making a lot of money is the only way to evaluate whether someone else is successful. To what extent do you agree or disagree with it? Write 300 words of an academic essay about it using your explanation and specific examples to support your answers.

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A few individuals argued that whether an individual has a successful
life
Use synonyms
 or not is solely determined by one’s
wealthiness
Replace the word
wealth
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.
While
Linking Words
 I agree that striving to be rich can lead to a more stable
life
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 financially, we cannot overlook that happiness can be achieved by having meaningful connections with
people
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 around us, which
money
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does
Change the verb
is
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 not able to do so. On the positive side, possessing a significant amount
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money
Change preposition
of money
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, either by working in high-paid jobs or involving in successful business definitely
guarantee
Correct subject-verb agreement
guarantees
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 individuals’ economic stability, making their
life
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 easier in terms of finances and their wishful dreams
able
Correct word choice
apply
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to come true. These fortunate
people
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not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 only able to buy anything without thinking twice but they can afford to purchase expensive but high-quality items and gadgets for them to enjoy, which some
people
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 find
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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delightful.
Furthermore
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, they are able to use their earnings by travelling around the world, which
required
Wrong verb form
requires
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 an enormous amount of budget to do so. Achieving
this
Linking Words
 kind of
an
Correct article usage
apply
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idealistic
life
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 undoubtedly influenced our society to think that being financially equipped is equal to having a successful
life
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, we cannot overlook that some things in our
life
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 cannot be obtained with
money
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 easily.
For instance
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, having a successful marriage, a decent family and good friends can only be gained by building meaningful connections and relationships with
people
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 we love and care for, which cannot be gained by solely being wealthy.
While
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 having a lot of
money
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 is ideally good, they may be involved in various debts and loans, which not only
deteriorating
Wrong verb form
deteriorate
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 their financial condition but
also
Linking Words
 can lead to severe relationship strain, and worse,
damaging
Replace the word
damage
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 one’s mental health.
Therefore
Linking Words
, prioritizing fulfilling and happy connections over richness in order to succeed in
life
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 is fairly sensible and valid.
As
Change preposition
In
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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conclusion, evaluating someone’s accomplishment in
life
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 with solely one’s earnings
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not entirely true. In my opinion, everyone has their own right to define themselves
a
Change preposition
as a
show examples
successful
life
Use synonyms
, as long as they are satisfied with themselves.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity by using clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs for a smoother flow.
task achievement
Include more diverse examples to strengthen the argument and showcase insight.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure to ensure clarity and avoid unclear references, especially when shifting ideas.
coherence cohesion
Strong introduction that clearly presents the writer's stance on the topic.
task achievement
Good understanding of the topic with a balanced view considering both sides.
task achievement
Relevant examples used to justify the points made, providing insight into different perspectives.
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