IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In our modern day and age,
people
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 mobile phIn our modern day and age,
people
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 for daily
activities
Use synonyms
 starting from communicating with
others
Use synonyms
 to carrying out work meetings and online banking. It is argued by some that for
safety
Use synonyms
reasons
Use synonyms
governments
Use synonyms
 should monitor their citizen's
phones
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
others
Use synonyms
 believe
this
Linking Words
 is a
violation
Use synonyms
 of privacy. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss these two perspectives and give my opinion. Undoubtedly
governments
Use synonyms
 should not hold back on any measure to ensure their national
security
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, direct monitoring and
censorship
Use synonyms
 is a
violation
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 of their
citizens
Use synonyms
' freedom which leads to subsequent loss of trust and division.
For example
Linking Words
, the Chinese
government
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 has direct observership on its
citizens
Use synonyms
' online and cell
phone
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activities
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, most
people
Use synonyms
 tend to
use
Use synonyms
 VPNs and third-party websites to protect their personal online
interactions
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. For these
reasons
Use synonyms
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should seek other
measures
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such
Linking Words
 as user authentication or biometric registrations to strengthen their cyber
security
Use synonyms
 rather than direct
censorship
Use synonyms
. Most of the
exchanges
Use synonyms
 on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are personal, intimate
interactions
Use synonyms
 which
people
Use synonyms
 do not need to justify or explain.
However
Linking Words
, authorities are able to request
access
Use synonyms
 to confidential, personal information in certain circumstances
such
Linking Words
 as terrorist attacks or to inquire about evidence in legal trials.
This
Linking Words
access
Use synonyms
 should be only granted after issuing a warrant from a courthouse and informing the person involved. Implementing
this
Linking Words
 practice prevents will misuse of sensitive
data
Use synonyms
 by authority figures and investigators. In Conclusion,
phone
Use synonyms
 calls and messages are intimate
exchanges
Use synonyms
.
Governments
Use synonyms
 should not open
access
Use synonyms
 to
such
Linking Words
data
Use synonyms
. They should focus on other tools to improve their
safety
Use synonyms
measures
Use synonyms
.ones for daily
activities
Use synonyms
 starting from communicating with
others
Use synonyms
 to carrying out work meetings and online banking. It is argued by some that for
safety
Use synonyms
reasons
Use synonyms
governments
Use synonyms
 should monitor their citizen's
phones
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
others
Use synonyms
 believe
this
Linking Words
 is a
violation
Use synonyms
 of privacy. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss these two perspectives and give my opinion. Undoubtedly
governments
Use synonyms
 should not hold back on any measure to ensure their national
security
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, direct monitoring and
censorship
Use synonyms
 is a
violation
Use synonyms
 of their
citizens
Use synonyms
' freedom which leads to subsequent loss of trust and division.
For example
Linking Words
, the Chinese
government
Use synonyms
 has direct observership on its
citizens
Use synonyms
' online and cell
phone
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, most
people
Use synonyms
 tend to
use
Use synonyms
 VPNs and third-party websites to protect their personal online
interactions
Use synonyms
. For these
reasons
Use synonyms
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should seek other
measures
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as user authentication or biometric registrations to strengthen their cyber
security
Use synonyms
 rather than direct
censorship
Use synonyms
. Most of the
exchanges
Use synonyms
 on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are personal, intimate
interactions
Use synonyms
 which
people
Use synonyms
 do not need to justify or explain.
However
Linking Words
, authorities are able to request
access
Use synonyms
 to confidential, personal information in certain circumstances
such
Linking Words
 as terrorist attacks or to inquire about evidence in legal trials.
This
Linking Words
access
Use synonyms
 should be only granted after issuing a warrant from a courthouse and informing the person involved. Implementing
this
Linking Words
 practice prevents will misuse of sensitive
data
Use synonyms
 by authority figures and investigators. In Conclusion,
phone
Use synonyms
 calls and messages are intimate
exchanges
Use synonyms
.
Governments
Use synonyms
 should not open
access
Use synonyms
 to
such
Linking Words
data
Use synonyms
. They should focus on other tools to improve their
safety
Use synonyms
measures
Use synonyms
.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay should avoid unnecessary repetitions. For instance, the entire introduction and conclusion were repeated, which indicates a need for better editing. This repetition does not add value to the argument and may dilute the overall impact of the essay.
Task Achievement
Use more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to maintain the reader's interest and demonstrate a wide range of language skills. This will enhance the clarity and sophistication of the ideas you present.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay presents a clear and comprehensive argument for both perspectives on the issue. It is well-structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This organization enhances the comprehensibility of your ideas.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the Chinese government’s practices, to support your points. This adds depth and credibility to your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay’s argument and reaffirms your opinion. It's a strong ending that encapsulates the main points and provides a clear take on the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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