IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?

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Some
people
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 believe that the depiction of
violence
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 in television and cinema has a direct influence on young
people
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, leading to an increase in
violence
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 within
society
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.
While
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 there is some merit to
this
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 argument, I believe that
media
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 alone is not the primary cause of violent
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behavior
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behaviour
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.
Instead
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, broader social and economic factors play a more significant role. On the one hand, frequent exposure to violent content may desensitize young audiences, making them more tolerant of aggression. Some studies suggest that individuals, particularly children and teenagers, who consume large amounts of violent
media
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 may become more likely to imitate
such
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behavior
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behaviour
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.
This
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 is especially concerning when there is a lack of parental supervision or moral guidance.
Additionally
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, violent
media
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 can sometimes glorify aggression, leading young
people
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 to perceive
violence
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 as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.
On the other hand
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, the root causes of
violence
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 in
society
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 are often more complex and cannot be attributed solely to
media
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 influence. Factors
such
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 as poverty, lack of education, family problems, and mental health issues are more likely to contribute to violent
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behavior
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behaviour
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. Many
people
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 consume violent films and television shows without engaging in violent acts, which suggests that other influences,
such
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 as upbringing and environment, are more significant in shaping a person’s actions. To reduce
violence
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 in
society
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, a multi-faceted approach is necessary.
Firstly
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, education should focus on promoting critical thinking and emotional intelligence, helping young
people
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 understand the consequences of
violence
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.
Secondly
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, parents should monitor their children’s
media
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 consumption and provide guidance on distinguishing fiction from reality.
Furthermore
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, governments should invest in social programs that address poverty, provide access to quality education, and improve mental health support, as these factors have a more direct impact on violent
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behavior
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behaviour
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. In conclusion,
while
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 violent
media
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 may influence some individuals, it is not the main cause of
violence
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 in
society
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. Addressing the underlying social and economic issues is essential in reducing
violence
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, rather than simply restricting violent content in films and television.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or studies to support the argument about social and economic factors contributing to violence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to maintain the logical flow of your argument.
Task Achievement
The essay has a strong introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position and summarize your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is well-developed with supported main points that demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitization
  • crucial stage
  • moral and ethical understandings
  • external factors
  • profound impact
  • reflection
  • mitigate
  • stricter regulations
  • depiction
  • empathy
  • conflict resolution
  • collaboration
  • conscious
  • impact
  • promoting
  • culture of peace
  • non-violence
  • public awareness campaigns
  • community programs
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