IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for goverments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. to what extent do you agree or disgree with this opinion?

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In recent years, many nations have been dealing with an increase in
health
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 problems, caused by junk
food
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. To prevent
this
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 authorities are increasing the
tax
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 on
this
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 type of
food
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. I strongly agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
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 statement because it is a good way to reduce the side effects of fast
food
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 on the human body, and it can influence
people
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 to choose much healthier
food
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 to consume.
Firstly
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, the drawbacks of fast
food
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 on human
health
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 can be reduced by increasing the
tax
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 on them. Because it is convenient to purchase
this
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 kind of
food
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 for many
people
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.
Therefore
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,
people
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get
Verb problem
have
show examples
health
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 problems,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and heart disease.
For example
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, in the United States, the government has increased the
tax
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 on junk
food
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 by 80% because many
people
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 have died of obesity and heart attacks.
In contrast
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, the death rate has been reduced by 60% by imposing higher taxes on fast
food
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, which can be found in every corner of the country.
Secondly
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, it can influence some
people
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 to choose traditional
food
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. To elaborate, if the
price
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 of junk
food
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 gets increased, there would be no choice for individuals to choose much healthier foods
such
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 as traditional
food
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.
For instance
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, research indicates that healthier foods
such
Linking Words
 as traditional foods have more benefits to the human body compared with fast
food
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 and by increasing the
price
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health
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 problems,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity can be reduced by adding more
tax
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 to the
price
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. In conclusion, I agree with
this
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 statement because increasing the
price
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 of unhealthy products can reduce medical situations and it can influence some
people
Use synonyms
 to consume healthier products.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, which is great. However, consider expanding it by briefly outlining your main points to create a roadmap for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide a clearer link between your ideas. For example, you could use transitional phrases to connect the benefits of higher taxes directly to the reduction of health issues.
task achievement
In your body paragraphs, try to elaborate further on the statistics you mention. Providing more context about how taxes specifically lead to healthier choices could make your argument stronger.
task achievement
You have effectively presented a clear opinion on the topic, and your reasons for supporting increased taxes on fast food are well-stated.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the tax increase in the United States, add credibility to your argument and illustrate the potential impact of such measures.
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