IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that has scientifically been proved to have bad effects on people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

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The vast majority of people believe that stores should not be permitted to sell food or drink that needs to be scientifically proven or
this
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 can lead to bad effects on individuals' health. In my opinion, I totally concur with the given statement
due to
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 several specific reasons all of which are to be explained in
this
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 essay. The first and foremost reason why stores need to restrict food or drink that has not been proven healthy is
due to
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 the fact that the likelihood of suffering from gastrointestinal diseases has increased three times compared to previous years, and
this
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 sickness tends to be more prevalent among the youngsters over the next few decades. A research conducted by the Department of Medicine, it has been scientifically proven that limiting the sale of unhealthy food and drink will not only lead to improving public health
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 reduce healthcare costs.
Secondly
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,
on the other hand
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, banning certain products could infringe on personal freedom and the right to make individual choices,
also
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 shops may suffer economically if they are unable to sell popular but unhealthy products,
as well as
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, potentially leading to job losses and unemployment. But, in some cases, there might be challenges in consistently and accurately determining which foods should be banned
due to
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 evolving scientific research, and the main problem is the time-consuming issue. In conclusion, it is a fact that education and awareness campaigns might be more effective than outright bans, empowering consumers to make healthier choices on their own will cause an unprecedented result.

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task achievement
Clarify your argument about the impact of unhealthy food on health by providing more specific examples or statistics. This will strengthen your point and make it clearer to the reader.
task achievement
Ensure that you have a balanced argument by elaborating on the counterarguments without undermining your main position. You touched upon some important points, but they could be explored further to enhance depth.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your essay by using more effective linking phrases between your ideas. For instance, using expressions like 'Furthermore', 'In addition', or 'Conversely' could better illustrate how your points relate to each other.
task achievement
Make sure to include specific examples to illustrate your points more vividly. For instance, mentioning specific unhealthy foods and their effects would make your argument more convincing.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and addresses both sides of the argument, which is essential for IELTS essays.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion succinctly summarize your perspective, demonstrating an understanding of the essay structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • scientifically proven
  • personal freedom
  • individual choices
  • healthcare costs
  • economic impact
  • consumer empowerment
  • outright bans
  • education campaigns
  • scientific research
  • regulated industry
  • nutritional information
  • infringe
  • awareness
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