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Writing Samples
Band 7

The charts illustrate four types of destination including part-time work, voluntary work, further study and unemployment that graduate and postgraduate students did after leaving the university in 2008.

The charts illustrate four types of destination including part-time work, voluntary work, further study and unemployment that graduate and postgraduate students did after leaving the university in 2008.
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The charts present four types of destinations that
students
Use synonyms
 chose after graduating from university in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, most of the correspondents prefer to continue their degree.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, taking voluntary work was the
last
Linking Words
 option that graduates chose.
According to
Linking Words
 the tables, both
students
Use synonyms
 from undergraduate and postgraduate in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 tend to pursue a higher degree by studying
further
Linking Words
, of which more than 29,000
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
bachelors
Change noun form
bachelor's
show examples
 and 2,700
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
master
students
Use synonyms
 chose
this
Linking Words
 option.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, taking a part-time job was the second highest response in the survey, which represents the answers from 17,000 and 2,500
students
Use synonyms
 respectively.
In contrast
Linking Words
, many graduates chose
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
voluntary work as their
last
Linking Words
 option. Meanwhile about 10% of the undergraduates and postgraduates
response
Replace the word
responded
show examples
 in the survey. Surprisingly, the number of
students
Use synonyms
 who chose to be unemployed was far higher than those who opted for voluntary work with around 16,000 and 1,600 answers, respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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