IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion?

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Recently, the amount of violence
that is
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 displayed on TV programs and video games has increased considerably.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of programs pose a real threat
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, others claim
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 will not be so damaging. I am in
favor
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favour
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 of
formal
Correct article usage
a formal
show examples
 statement and some vital aspects will be
cover
Wrong verb form
covered
show examples
 in the upcoming paragraphs. Obviously, Long-term exposure to violence can be extremely harmful because when
people
Use synonyms
 see distressing
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
, they get used to it and gradually these actions become normal.
As a result
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, nowadays more and more
people
Use synonyms
 are illegally purchasing weapons
such
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 as guns and knives. Unfortunately, Children are more likely to be influenced by the pictures they see on television or computer games in their formative years. They often imitate the actions they see;
therefore
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, some disastrous
result
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results
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 might arise. As a tangible example, recently a study
in
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at
show examples
 Harley University discovered that the rate of juvenile delinquency has soared by 30%. Others dismiss
such
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 concerns and advocate that the ill effect is not significant and can be neglected. They suggest that aggression and violence are part of human life and cannot be omitted, and above that these
type
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types
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 of scenes are meant to be preventive, so by watching them not only can children become aware of the consequences of offending a crime, but
also
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 can learn how to react and defend themselves in face of
dangerous
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a dangerous
the dangerous
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 situation. By the way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my opinion that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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violent content
on
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in
show examples
 media has
serious
Add an article
a serious
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 impact on
people
Use synonyms
’s attitudes and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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. Indeed, the
people
Use synonyms
 who are not aware of
such
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 problems should be informed before it is too late.

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task achievement
Improve the clarity and specificity of certain arguments. For example, provide more detail about how exposure to violence may lead to normalized behavior.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance the linking of ideas between paragraphs for smoother transitions. Although you have a clear structure, making explicit connections can improve the overall flow.
coherence and cohesion
Be cautious with word choices and grammar. For instance, instead of 'the formal statement,' you might say 'the former statement' when expressing agreement.
task achievement
You present a balanced view by acknowledging opposing arguments, which shows critical thinking.
task achievement
The use of a relevant example from a study adds credibility to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • proliferation
  • desensitize
  • empathetic response
  • aggressive behavior
  • formative years
  • impressionable
  • catharsis
  • media psychology
  • mixed results
  • family environment
  • genetics
  • regulatory bodies
  • rating systems
  • vulnerable demographics
  • inappropriate content
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