IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There seems to be an increasing number of serious crimes committed each year. While some think the best way is to use the death penalty as a deterrent, many people believe that other measures will be needed. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The number of criminal cases
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 increasingly rising year by year. It is argued whether adding the capital punishment system is the best
salvation
Correct your spelling
solution
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 concern or
other
Correct word choice
whether other
show examples
 measures should be considered to stop the spread.
Although
Linking Words
 the death penalty can rapidly decrease the rate of crime, I believe alternative policies should be implemented all human beings must have a right to live.  From one perspective, the implementation of the death penalty decreases immediately the crime rate. Not only do other people get attentive to their actions, but charged criminals
also
Linking Words
 will be deprived
from
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the chance to repeat the wrongdoings again after their death.
Moreover
Linking Words
, common inhabitants will have an opportunity to live peaceful, careless lives.
For example
Linking Words
, provided statistics by the Ministry of Social Protection and Defense of Kazakhstan prove that after informing the public about the possibility of being charged
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the harshest punishment, the figure of illegal acts declined to 56% over
three
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
years
Correct your spelling
three-year
show examples
 period, from 2001 to 2004. From another perspective, as all
humans'
Fix the agreement mistake
human'
show examples
 souls are precious, they are entitled to live their lives.
Instead
Linking Words
 of increasing the number of killed people, the government should initiate rehabilitation programs and work on their psychology by taking versatile approaches.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if the prisoners
wereinsisted
Correct your spelling
were insisted
 on doing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
energy-consuming and tough
labours
Fix the agreement mistake
labour
show examples
, so they would lose their desire to repeat the same mistakes as they would be aware of later consequences.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are harsh policies -
such
Linking Words
 as coal mining and construction in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dangerous areas -
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminals in Japan, which resulted in committing violence and illegal activities repeatedly 45% less in 2013. In conclusion, even though the idea of life deprivation can be beneficial in
reduction
Add an article
the reduction
show examples
 of rates, I reckon that every single person should be entitled to live by replacing the harshest charge with the other approaches.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Try to structure your essay into clear paragraphs, with each one addressing a specific point or argument. Clearly separate your introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Make sure to provide a balanced view by fully discussing both sides of the argument before revealing your opinion. This will help in making your task response more complete.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are detailed and relevant. This means elaborating more on how they support your argument and connecting them back to your main points clearly.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively outlines the main issue and states your opinion, which is great for framing your argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, showing an understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • recidivism
  • rehabilitation
  • ethical considerations
  • economic factors
  • social factors
  • community policing
  • public opinion
  • recidivism rates
  • community-driven initiatives
  • modern policing methods
  • death penalty
  • serious crimes
  • crime rates
What to do next:
Look at other essays: