IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays many young people are attracted to dangerous sport such as snowboarding or mountain biking. What makes these sports so attractive? What measures should be taken to minimize the risks?

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In
this
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 modern world, snowboarding and mountain biking are now gaining popularity among youngsters.
Further
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, in the next paragraphs, I will discuss why it's popular and some preventions to decrease the risks.
To begin
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 with, in
this
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 present
generation
Add a comma
generation,
show examples
 people are trying to show themselves different from others. To explain it, in the past,
this
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 kind of sport
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 played by only a few people, and at that time, they gained popularity in society. Comparatively, nowadays, youngsters like to do the same thing. Apart from that, organizers are giving a big amount of money to the winner. To extend it, teenagers have big dreams, and they like to complete them in their teenage but their pockets do not allow them,
then
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 they choose these kinds of dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
. so that's the reason these
sports
Use synonyms
 are attractive.
Moreover
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, there are various measures that can minimize the risks in these
sports
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. First and foremost is proper gear,
such
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 as helmets and safety vests. To go into detail, Gears can protect against physical damage to the body.
Furthermore
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, proper safety training for a player, so that they protect themself from obstacles before crashing.
To conclude
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, these
sports
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 attach youngsters to nature and make them strong
to
Rephrase
enough to
show examples
 stay safe in danger.

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coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences to improve the logical flow of your arguments. This will make your points easier to follow.
task achievement
Ensure that your arguments are well-supported with specific examples or details to strengthen your ideas and make them clearer for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Review your grammar and word choices for accuracy. Some phrases could be improved for clarity, such as "this kind of sport were played" which should be "this kind of sport was played."
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the topic of young people's attraction to dangerous sports and suggests measures for risk minimization.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your discussion, providing a sense of structure to your essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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