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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the mortality rate by age and gender in African in 1950, 1980, and 2010.

The chart below shows the mortality rate by age and gender in African in 1950, 1980, and 2010.
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The two charts illustrate the mortality
rate
Use synonyms
 by age and gender between 1950 and 2010. Fortunately, it is interesting that all the rates in the groups declined as time went by. In the first graph, it is evident that people in the
group
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 of twenties to thirties were
only
Correct article usage
the only
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that
Correct pronoun usage
ones that
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has
Wrong verb form
had
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 a low
rate
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 of mortality. The
rate
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 started at 10% in 1950 but declined to almost 2% in 2010.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
group
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of
Change preposition
in
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 sixties and above
has
Change the verb form
have
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 the highest portion and is followed by the
group
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 of
fourties
Correct your spelling
forties
 to fifties, and
then
Linking Words
 people who are under twenty. The decreasing pace for these groups was similar
while
Linking Words
 the
group
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 from
thirties
Change the article
the thirties
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 to
fourties
Correct your spelling
forties
 experienced
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 drop during the period. In the second graph, it demonstrates the difference between men and women
of
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in
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 mortality
rate
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. The proportion of men started at around 40% in 1950 and it decreased by 15% point and reached 25%. Women’s
rate
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also
Linking Words
 reached around 23% in 2010 with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 marginal decrease from 28% in 1950.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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