The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year
IELTS Writing Task Chart for The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year
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A glance at the figures provided reveals the popularity of various forms of job types among Australian men and
women
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
year.
Overall
Linking Words
, more than half of
this
Linking Words
demographic consists of men,
while
Linking Words
only two of these jobs are dominated by
women
Use synonyms
.  Not surprisingly, 5 types of jobs enjoyed widespread popularity among guys. By far the most common jobs, tradespeople and clerical were around 900% and 89%. Third in terms of popularity, meanwhile, were professionals. Approximately 65% of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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were employed in
this
Linking Words
sector,
while
Linking Words
70% of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
worked in it, making it the second highest in the female graph. Labourers and semi-professionals considerably less common, at 40% and 51% respectively,
whereas
Linking Words
28% and 37% of
women
Use synonyms
. Equally predictable is the fact that tradespeople and production wars are far less popular among females.
In contrast
Linking Words
to
women
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, clerical was the most common, with nearly 99%.
Finally
Linking Words
, a relatively small 20% of females are managers,
while
Linking Words
60% of male managers during the one year period.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words women with synonyms.
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