IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. discuss both these views and give your opinion

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is often said that schools are too competitive and it has a negative effect on
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 said being in
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
show examples
environment
Use synonyms
 helps
students
Use synonyms
 achieve success.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the debate, and give a concluding view. On the one hand, those who support being competitive argue that
children
Use synonyms
 can use it as a tool of motivation and
method
Correct article usage
a method
show examples
 of improving fast.
For example
Linking Words
, if
students
Use synonyms
 find themselves in a competitive
environment
Use synonyms
 or feeling less skilful compared to the other
Use synonyms
children's
Change noun form
children
show examples
, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the fact
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how hard it is to learn, they tend to study as much as they can as if they are in
competition
Use synonyms
 and try to keep up with their peers.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to significant academic improvement in a short period.
By contrast
Linking Words
, opponents of
this
Linking Words
 view point out that not all
children
Use synonyms
 thrive in
such
Linking Words
 an
environment
Use synonyms
. Examples can be seen in every school, where the lots of different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of pupils studying in a classroom. For
children
Use synonyms
 who are not naturally competitive, being forced into a competitive
environment
Use synonyms
 can lead to dissatisfaction with their school, stress and lack of
confident
Replace the word
confidence
show examples
. These
children
Use synonyms
 may feel pressured and may not perform to the best of their abilities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it can be harmful in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 long run.
Finally
Linking Words
, it must be said that not all
students
Use synonyms
 actually want to compete, because their interests lie
elsewhere
Linking Words
. For these
children
Use synonyms
,
competition
Use synonyms
 should not be encouraged. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
competition
Use synonyms
 can be beneficial for some
children
Use synonyms
, it should not be imposed on all
students
Use synonyms
. Schools should create
balanced
Add an article
a balanced
the balanced
show examples
environment
Use synonyms
 and encourage healthy
competition
Use synonyms
 for those who thrive in it
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while
Linking Words
 providing alternative approaches for those who do not. it seems advisable that the decision to encourage
competition
Use synonyms
 should be based on student's
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 and individual needs, rather than adopting a 'one-size-fits-all' approach

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider rephrasing the introduction for clarity and to engage the reader more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure consistent subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. For example, 'other said' should be 'others said'.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, which could enhance the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Improve linking phrases between ideas to enhance the flow, such as using 'In addition' or 'Furthermore' to connect your arguments.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced approach to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and has a clear final opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
What to do next:
Look at other essays: