IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (e.g. Uncle, aunt and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give your opinion.

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In today's era, raising a
child
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 has become an intense pressure for many
parents
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, in that case, some people contend that with other family
members
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 raising a kid is more effective in reducing the pressure that
parents
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 hold and it
also
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 contributes to a
child
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's growing period.
Although
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 it might have an effect to assist
parents
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 in some cases,
however
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, I think that
parents
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 can take care of their
kids
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by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own.
To begin
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 with, one of the reasons that I agree with
this
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 opinion is
children
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 must spend time with their
parents
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. They must play games, eat dinners and accumulate happy memories with them.
That is
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 essential to grow healthy mental health and create strong connections with major family
members
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. If a
child
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 doesn't have a chance to spend time with their
parents
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, some crucial problems may occur when he/she becomes an adult.
For example
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, many Individuals who suffer from mental disease and depression have mostly common problems related to their relationships with their
parents
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.
This
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 is a valid explanation of why a parent must take care of their
children
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 on their own.
Secondly
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, instilling
responsibility
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 is a key to raising a
child
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.
Parents
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 have the potential to ensure
responsibility
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 to
children
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 rather than other family
members
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.
This
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 is because
kids
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 have a tendency to obey his/her
parents
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.
Moreover
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,
kids
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 imitate their
parents
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 and copy their behaviour. If
parents
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 do not put enough effort into raising a
child
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 and giving
this
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responsibility
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 to other family
members
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children
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 cannot develop some features especially connected with their
parents
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.
Hence
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,
this
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 justifies the argument that
kids
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 have to be raised with their
parents
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.
To sum up
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,
This
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 essay argues
children
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 should be raised by their
parents
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 rather than other family
members
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.
That is
Linking Words
 because it is essential for
kids
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 to create strong bonds with their
parents
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 and instil
responsibility
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 for them.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly express your opinion in the introduction. It would strengthen your position if you stated unequivocally that you believe parents should raise their kids on their own from the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the connection between ideas within paragraphs by using more cohesive devices in order to guide the reader through your argument more smoothly. This would enhance the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Provide a wider variety of examples and perhaps include an example from different cultures or societies to reinforce your argument and give a broader perspective.
task achievement
Your introduction presents a relevant background to the issue and clearly outlines the problem.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion successfully summarizes your main points and reiterates your opinion succinctly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • extended family
  • support
  • emotional stability
  • diverse experiences
  • perspectives
  • strong bonds
  • sense of belonging
  • multiple caregivers
  • burden
  • balanced parenting
  • find a balance
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