IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Currently, in many countries, a wide spectrum of populations is made of youths in comparison to old
people
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 may include some demerits
such
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 as
youth
Use synonyms
 exploitation and
lack
Use synonyms
 of skilled
people
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, I believe merits are greater,
such
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 as economic prosperity and governmental profit, and I believe pros outperform cons. Some critics of
growth
Correct article usage
the growth
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
youth
Correct article usage
the youth
show examples
 population point out that there would be fewer knowledgeable
people
Use synonyms
 in different fields of study. In fact, since the young
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not
full
Correct article usage
a full
show examples
 understanding of different issues, they cannot handle stressful situations. What many may fail to understand is that the
Lack
Use synonyms
 of sophistication is common
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 demography, and even if they had theoretical and college knowledge, they would not function well
due to
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 the
lack
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 of practical knowledge.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 age bracket of societies can be abused by some managers. When there is an
abundant
Replace the word
abundance
show examples
 of young workforces, companies can readily recruit or resign them.
For instance
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, McDonald’s has the greatest rate of
dismiss
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dismissal
show examples
 mainly because its managers exacerbate situations or decrease the amount of monthly pay.
Nonetheless
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, the increase in
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 population can bring
Use synonyms
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 huge profits. With the rise in
youth
Use synonyms
 numbers, there would be more job opportunities. Companies may have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stiff
completion
Correct your spelling
competition
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 to
make
Verb problem
attract
show examples
people
Use synonyms
attracted
Verb problem
apply
show examples
and employ them.
This
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 trend could enhance the
economy
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 of
people
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, filling the gap of workforce
lack
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, and there would be fewer unemployed
people
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,
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hence
Correct word choice
and hence
show examples
economy
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 would
be thriving
Wrong verb form
thrive
show examples
.
Furthermore
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,
this
Linking Words
 fresh group could reduce the amount of governmental pay allocated to
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system. If the number of young individuals increased, there would be fewer
people
Use synonyms
 who may suffer from different diseases,
such
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 as heart and brain cancer, which are common
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 elderly
people
Use synonyms
. Ultimately, policymakers can fund more necessary issues.
To conclude
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, despite the viewpoint that an increase in
Use synonyms
youth
Correct article usage
the youth
show examples
 population may bring about exploitation and
lack
Use synonyms
 of
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
people
Use synonyms
, believing the young do not have adequate knowledge to tackle issues well, I assert that
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 sides are far greater that not only result in
economy
Use synonyms
 thriving but
also
Linking Words
 less money would be allocated to
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system to cure their diseases.

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments. While you mentioned McDonald's, providing a broader range of examples would enhance your points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to clarify some of your ideas and arguments. At times, your points could be expanded for better understanding, which would improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your main points. A well-structured thesis statement could enhance the clarity of your position from the start.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion, and you clearly outline both sides of the argument, showcasing a thoughtful approach to the topic.
task achievement
You effectively emphasize the economic benefits of a youthful population, which is a compelling point.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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