IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that mobile phones conversation should be banned in crowded and social places. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some individuals think that
conversation
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 through mobile
phones
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 should be prohibited in crowded and social
areas
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while
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 other
people
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 believe the opposite.
Although
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 banning
conversation
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 through mobile
phones
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 in public
places
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 allows to reduce distraction and disturbance of the public, I personally think that speaking over mobile
phones
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 should not be banned in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
places
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 because it will restrict individuals
to connect
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from connecting
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 with others during urgencies. If talking over mobile
phones
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 is prohibited in public
places
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, it saves
people
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 from distractions and disturbances. When
people
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 speak over mobile
phones
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 in public
areas
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 loudly, it distracts and disturbs others
to focus
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from focusing
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 on their face-to-face interactions. If speaking over mobile
phones
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 is
ban
Wrong verb form
banned
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,
people
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 can concentrate on their socializing.
For example
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, in Canada, in some provinces, talking over mobile
phones
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 is prohibited in parks and markets, and it improves the face-to-face interactions of
people
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, and
people
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 become more focused in their conversations, which enhances their sense of community.
However
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, I personally believe that
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conversation
Fix the agreement mistake
conversations
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 through mobile
phones
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 should not be banned because
people
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 cannot talk with their
families
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 during emergencies. Mobile
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phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone conversations
show examples
conversation
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 should not be prohibited in public
areas
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 because it will restrict individuals
to connect
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from connecting
show examples
 with
the
Change the word
their
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families
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 and friends when needed. If someone is outside their homes, and something serious happens in
homes
Correct pronoun usage
their homes
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, their family members can immediately contact them, if they talk via
mobiles
Fix the agreement mistake
mobile
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. If talking over mobile
phones
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 is
ban
Wrong verb form
banned
show examples
,
people
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 cannot connect with their
families
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 when they require.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Australia,
people
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 are always allowed to speak over mobile
phones
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 when they are outside of their homes, either in public
areas
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 or in
crowd
Fix the agreement mistake
crowds
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.
This
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 allows them to contact with their
families
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 during emergencies.
Therefore
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, I believe that talking over mobile
phones
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 should not be banned because it facilitates
people
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 to reach out
their
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to their
show examples
families
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 and others during urgencies. In conclusion, despite helping
people
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 to concentrate on their physical
conversation
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 and socializing, I believe that speaking over mobile
phones
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 in public
places
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 should not be banned because it helps
people
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 to connect with their near and dear ones when they
need
Correct pronoun usage
need it
show examples
.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more detailed explanation of the examples used, including more specific data or personal experiences that support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs to enhance clarity. For example, ensure that each point clearly builds on the previous one.
task achievement
Consider addressing possible counterarguments to strengthen your overall argument and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
You express a firm opinion and provide solid arguments to support your view on mobile phone usage in public places.
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