IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve the overall general health of the public is to offer more sports facilities. Others say that this would have little effect and other measures are necessary to improve public health. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In the
two
Correct word choice
past two
show examples
 decades,
people
Use synonyms
 from all around the world
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 dealt with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as weight loss, heart attack, and so on. Improving
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of the body,
being
Correct word choice
and being
show examples
 fit has a lot of positive
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 but medical facilities could use some help from the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 to rebuild or build more hospitals. Heart
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
, paralysis,
cancer
Correct word choice
and cancer
show examples
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 increased among Western countries.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 research, In 2020, during Covid-19, the
obisity
Correct your spelling
obesity
 of Americans has been increased
almost
Change preposition
by almost
show examples
 60%
due to
Linking Words
 the LockDown. And
people
Use synonyms
 couldn't lose the
weigth
Correct your spelling
weight
 they gained. After it got safe to go out,
people
Use synonyms
 got insecure
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and stayed at home
anyways
Correct your spelling
anyway
show examples
. Some of them almost killed
theirself
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 after eating from stress. If we
encourged
Correct your spelling
encouraged
encourage
 them to go out
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 gym by building them on every block, we can go through
this
Linking Words
 problem.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, medical facilities need help
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 rebuilding, getting quality medicine supplies,
buying
Correct word choice
and buying
show examples
 new equipment. In Mongolia, the public hospitals are usually over 15 years old,
very
Add a missing verb
have very
show examples
 small
building
Fix the agreement mistake
buildings
show examples
, and
using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
low quality
Add a hyphen
low-quality
show examples
 medicines but
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 always short on them.
Weigth
Correct your spelling
Weight
 loss is not the only
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 have
deceases
Correct your spelling
diseases
show examples
, and
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
, so improving them is better for the
countries
Change noun form
country's
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 health. In conclusion, rather than building more
gym
Fix the agreement mistake
gyms
show examples
,
fitness
Correct word choice
and fitness
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 go on their wishes, improving and building more hospitals
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the best choice. Because
people
Use synonyms
 don't realize it until it's too late and they can't go to the gym
while
Linking Words
 having
heart
Add an article
a heart
show examples
 attack but preventing
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them is a good choice
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing your introduction for clarity. It could help to state clearly that you will discuss both views before giving your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences for each paragraph, which can help guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
More specific examples and empirical data can strengthen your arguments throughout the essay.
task achievement
Make sure to thoroughly proofread for spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'goverment' and 'weigth.'
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which is essential for this type of essay.
task achievement
Your awareness of public health issues demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You expressed a clear opinion at the end of the essay, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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