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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Some
people
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 believe that it is a good thing for
people
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 to compete on a daily basis,
such
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 as at work and at school. Others feel that
people
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 need to promote
collaboration
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, rather than
competition
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. I think both
competition
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 and
collaboration
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 are important for
people
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 as
competition
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 will encourage them to keep improving their skills,
whereas
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collaboration
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 will allow them to achieve more complex tasks.
Competition
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 is important for
people
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 to constantly improve themselves,
such
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 as their skills and knowledge. When
people
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 compete with each other in their daily lives,
such
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 as at work and at school,
people
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 tend to realize their weaknesses as they will compare themselves with other
people
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.
Therefore
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, they will try their best to improve the area that they lack.
For instance
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, a student, who wants to achieve the highest grade in class, tends to study more when they acknowledge that another student gets an A score in a particular subject,
while
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 they only get a B score.
On the other hand
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, it is imperative to have cooperation for
people
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 as it will allow them to complete numerous complex activities. If there are any complicated tasks that cover broad expertise areas, it will require
people
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 with different kinds of skill sets to work together in order to complete
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
For instance
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, a huge product launch, which involves numerous business areas, requires the
collaboration
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 of
people
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 with different skill sets,
such
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 as product development, sales, and marketing, in order to be successful. If there is only one person involved in
this
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 kind of activity, it is less likely for the product to be launched successfully. In conclusion, there are a group of
people
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 who think that
competition
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 is
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 thing for
people
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,
while
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 others perceive that
people
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 need to collaborate more in daily life. I feel that
competition
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 and
collaboration
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 between
people
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 are crucial as each of them offers positive impacts to
people
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Provide a clearer outline of both sides in the introduction. Perhaps state the merits of competition and collaboration distinctly.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking phrases to enhance the flow between ideas, such as 'however' and 'on the contrary' when discussing opposing views.
task achievement
Consider adding a personal anecdote or example to support your opinion in the conclusion, which could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view of both competition and collaboration, which is commendable.
task achievement
Examples provided are relevant and illustrate your points well, particularly the example of the student and the product launch.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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