IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

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In
this
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 modern world, it is a fact that the proportion of
obase
Correct your spelling
obese
 children has grown predominantly because of their eating habits and sedentary lifestyle. And it has escalated by 20% in the decade. There are several causes for
this
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 situation,
as well as
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 certain visible influences
too
Rephrase
apply
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. Several underlying reasons could be attributed
for
Change preposition
to
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such
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 a phenomenon. The most prominent one is eating habits. To elaborate
further
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, an increasing number of
toddler
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toddlers
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 like to eat junk food in order to get better
test
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tests
show examples
.
For example
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, the majority of infants consume street food
everyday
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every day
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, because of which they can gain weight.
Moreover
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, an advancement of technology could play a paramount role
for
Change preposition
in
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 sedentary livelihood. To illustrate, the
yongsters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 are like to utilize
significant
Add an article
a significant
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 amount of their time for playing video games in terms of getting enjoyment which can make them lazy.
Therefore
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, they will become overweight in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
show examples
 years. The mentioned causes have some impacts too.
Firstly
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, an immense number of kids tend to have health
isuues
Correct your spelling
issues
such
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 as hypertension, diabetes and breathlessness. One good illustration is that junk foods have a lot of salt,
suger
Correct your spelling
sugar
 and oil which can be harmful
for
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to
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 the body as they will ameliorate the level of
suger
Correct your spelling
sugar
, salt and cholesterol.
Secondly
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, an overweight can cause joint problems in children.
For instance
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, wards with
the
Correct article usage
a
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 high BMI can affect directly
to
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apply
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their knee joint which can cause arthritis
in
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at
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 younger
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
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.
Hence
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, they can not be able to
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
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 in sports
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
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 as they have joint pain and breathlessness.
To conclude
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, it can be
finally
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 commented that there are ample causes of obesity
such
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 as eating unhealthy food and prolonged sitting, which has pessimistic effects
such
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 as heart and joint issues
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early age which could
be affect
Change the verb form
affect
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their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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physical activity.

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language usage
Consider rephrasing "obase" to "obese" for clarity. Also, ensure to use a more formal tone, especially in an academic essay.
language usage
Make sure to use consistent tenses throughout your essay to enhance clarity. For example, use present tense consistently when discussing general facts.
content enhancement
Provide more specific examples or data to substantiate your arguments; for instance, mentioning specific studies or statistics could strengthen your points.
content
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both causes and effects of childhood obesity, which is commendable.
structure
You have made a clear effort to outline the issues and provide a structure to your essay, indicating understanding of the task.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
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