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Writing Samples
Band 7

time and are under a lot of presssure to work hard on their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

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Nowadays, young starts from many countries are burdened with the extra
pressure
Use synonyms
 of studying, and
as a result
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, they are unable to manage time for excursions. Among many reasons, society's demands, rigid educational methods and parent's unconsciousness are mainly liable for
this
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.
Overall
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 phenomena can be changed if corrective measures like upgrading the educational system
as well as
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 broadening community behaviours.
This
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 essay will illustrate these matters in detail. Education is essential for everyone;
nevertheless
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, it becomes a matter of
pressure
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 when society creates an unbalanced
pressure
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 on someone. To illustrate, it can said that, sometimes parents are extra aware of their position in the community and they consider
children
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's academic results as a scale of their pride.
Hence
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,
children
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 only stay focused on their studies to generate a better mark where there is no scope for excursion.
Furthermore
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, the educational system is so rigid that, there are very less extracurricular activities.
In addition
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, countries' job market
also
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 focuses on academic background only, they never look for extraordinary capabilities, rather they are concentrated on securing a handsome salary job in future.
However
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, an
overall
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 upgrade in social and educational methodology could bring a positive change to the issue.
Firstly
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, the government could make a balanced study curriculum where not only the bookish materials will be included but
also
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 there will be space for excursion work;
moreover
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, the academic evaluation could be done by merging both activities together.
Additionally
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, parents could be more positive-minded
as well as
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 encourage
children
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 to feel relaxed and prepare a daily routine with enough leisure scope which will help them improve mental health
also
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. As an example, it is proven from research by BBC that,
children
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 with less study load and scope of entertainment perform better and develop a strong personality
as well as
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 a healthy mentality. In conclusion, it can be said that socio socio-economic and faulty education systems are directly responsible for creating bad
pressure
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 on students which keeps them away from leisure. By adopting an
overall
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 development process across the study system
as well as
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 public sentiment
this
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 phenomenon could be changed for the betterment of our
children
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 which will certainly offer a prosperous future for the country.

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Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples or statistics to enhance the depth of your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop clearer transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using varied sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of your writing.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly lays out the topic and main points you will discuss.
Task Achievement
You provided insightful suggestions for solutions to the problem presented.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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