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Writing Samples
Band 5

Fastfood is becoming one part of our life. some people say that every individual should take responsiblity for it while other people say that it the government's responsiblity. discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Use synonyms
Fastfood
Correct your spelling
Fast food
show examples
 is now
getting
Verb problem
becoming
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 almost essential in our
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. Some
people
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 believe that each one of us should be responsible for it
while
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 others think the
government
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 should be.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and give my conclusion in favour of the former. On one hand, we should take
responsibility
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 because it is our ignorance that causes the
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
industry
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 to expand in the
market
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, making it remarkable in our
life
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. We buy
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 because we are not fully aware of the
health
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effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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, and
this
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 is supporting the
industry
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.
For example
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,
people
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 lining up to get a McDonald's meal combo do not think about their
health
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. They just want to enjoy the meal so they are willing to pay to the store and it grows the business,
hence
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 they launch new projects to attract more customers, making
itself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 skillfully integrated
in
Change the preposition
into
with
show examples
 our
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Once you learn the bad impact of
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 on your
health
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, especially in the long term, and how the
market
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 works, you
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 make a wiser decision and choose not to consume
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
, and
this
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 is how we can control the impact of
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Correct article usage
the fastfood
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
fast-food
industry
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.
On the other hand
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, the
government
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 should take
responsibility
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of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
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 trend. Obviously, It is the most powerful public organisation that can control the
market
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 and education for children. If the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
impose
Correct subject-verb agreement
imposes
show examples
 an extra tax on
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
,
for instance
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,
people
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 will be less inclined to get it, which will eventually shrink the
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
industry
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 and the impact of it on our
life
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 will go under
control
Add an article
the control
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 of the
government
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.
Moreover
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, the
government
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 can educate young
people
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 at school about
health
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 and diet.
This
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 is foreseeable because you can make a well-informed decision in what you eat and you will be less manipulated by the tempting advertisements from the
industry
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. In my opinion, the
government
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 should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
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responsibility
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 because it can give the fundamental solution to it
,
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apply
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while
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 giving a temporary measurement. The improvement of
health
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 education at schools will be beneficial even more in the future when students reach adulthood where they make their own choices on their diet.
In addition
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, the
economical
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economic
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 regulation on
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
industy
Correct your spelling
industry
 can quickly shrink the
market
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. In conclusion,
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fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 is
getting
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 a part of our
life
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 and some
people
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thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 the
responsibility
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 for
this
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 phenomenon should lie in each
indivisual
Correct your spelling
individual
.
However
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, the
government
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 is much more powerful and I believe it should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 it.

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Task Achievement
Expand on your ideas further, particularly in the points about personal responsibility and government action. Consider providing more depth in discussing how fast food affects health and the long-term consequences.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that all sentences contribute to your argument and clarify your points. Some sentences could be simplified for better understanding and logical progression.
Coherence and Cohesion
Review your essay for minor grammatical issues and spelling errors (e.g., 'responsiblity', 'goverment'). These could affect clarity and professionalism in your writing.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced discussion of both views, which is essential for this type of writing task.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with a logical flow from introduction to conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • individual choices
  • government regulation
  • dietary habits
  • health implications
  • obesity epidemic
  • fast-paced lifestyle
  • nutritional education
  • convenience food
  • public health campaigns
  • preventative measures
  • healthcare costs
  • food industry
  • socioeconomic factors
  • informed decisions
  • quality of life
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