IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some believe success in life comes from hard work, dedication, and motivation. While many believe success depends on other important factors like money and appearance. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Some argue that the
combination
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 of hard
work
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,
dedication
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, and
motivation
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 can lead to
success
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 in
life
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,
while
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 others put emphasis on other significant factors,
such
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 as
money
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 and
appearance
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both perspectives. Personally, I believe that
while
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 wealth and
appearance
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 can bring
success
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, hard
work
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,
dedication
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, and
motivation
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 are vital to
success
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 in
life
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. Some argue that
money
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 and
appearance
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 play a vital role in achieving
success
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 in
life
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. Financial power allows an individual to take calculated challenges and strategic investments that may not be possible for those with financial instability.
In addition
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, a striking
appearance
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 projects self-confidence, professionalism, and credibility that help to make a good impression on someone,
this
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 in turn quickly captivates positivity from all around by creating a charismatic aura.
Consequently
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,
money
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coupled with
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appearance
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 propels individuals toward
success
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.
For example
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, many CEOs and celebrities mingle financial power with
appearance
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 and establish successful business ventures and careers. Others contend that the perfect
combination
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 of hard
work
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,
dedication
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, and
motivation
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 exceeds all other factors in importance for
success
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 in
life
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. Hard
work
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 ensures determined efforts,
dedication
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 involves staying committed to the task at hand, and
motivation
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 acts as the driving force that translates aspiration into tangible accomplishment despite setbacks. Together, these factors build a synergistic relationship that empowers one to take risks, seize opportunities, and pursue his goals,
and
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apply
show examples
thus
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 leading to a successful
life
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. A case in point is Serena Williams, the famous tennis player, epitomizes the perfect
combination
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 of hard
work
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,
dedication
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, and
motivation
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. In an interview, she put her
success
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 down to
this
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combination
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.
For
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this
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 reason, I put emphasis on hard
work
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,
dedication
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, and
motivation
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 to achieve
success
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 in
life
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. In conclusion,
although
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 many emphasize
money
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 and
appearance
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 to be successful in
life
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,
this
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 essay finds that the blend of hard
work
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,
dedication
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, and
motivation
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 attaches more importance over anything else.

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task achievement
Expand on examples to further illustrate points. For instance, detail how financial power specifically contributes to success.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Consider refining the thesis statement to make your stance more unequivocal in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Well-structured paragraphs that clearly separate distinct viewpoints.
task achievement
Clear expression of personal opinion, showing critical engagement with the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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