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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in seprate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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It is often argued that
students
Use synonyms
 of different genders should be educated in different
schools
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
While some
Correct word choice
Some
show examples
 people
debate
Verb problem
argue
show examples
 that
students
Use synonyms
 perform better in mixed
schools
Use synonyms
. I strongly advocate for supporting mixed
schools
Use synonyms
 since it promotes
gender
Use synonyms
 equality across the community,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 school separation policy may prevent
against
Change preposition
apply
show examples
positive discrimination that
usually
Add a missing verb
is usually
show examples
 conducted
to
Change preposition
against
show examples
 female
students
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, positive discrimination is a very common attitude across many
schools
Use synonyms
, because
teachers
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are usually tend
Change the verb form
usually tend
show examples
 to feel
girls
Use synonyms
 are vulnerable
unlike
Add the comma(s)
, unlike
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 approach frequently
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
' emotional development by discouraging them
to join
Change preposition
from joining
show examples
 classes because of
teachers
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'
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
. It negatively
influence
Change the verb form
influences
show examples
boys
Use synonyms
' engagement during class time. A clear example of
this
Linking Words
 can be seen in local
schools
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Turkey, particularly in eastern regions. In these areas,
teachers
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are profoundly support
Change the verb form
profoundly support
show examples
girls
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 rather than male
students
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, because it is well-known knowledge that
girls
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 were
enforced
Verb problem
forced
show examples
 to quit school previously. So,
teachers
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 do
this
Linking Words
 attitude to protect them, but they generally forget about
boys
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' feelings,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 become less confident about themselves.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, mixed
schools
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 are mainly assisted because of the
gender
Use synonyms
 equality faith, which is very beneficial for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Both
boys
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 and
girls
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 have the same right to
education
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, so separation causes
unequity
Correct your spelling
inequality
. Any type of discrimination must be restricted,
such
Linking Words
 as
education
Use synonyms
 or
gender
Use synonyms
unequity
Correct your spelling
inequality
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
Ghana
Add a comma
Ghana,
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 have divided
education
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according to
Linking Words
 their
gender
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.
While
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 have better class conditions and better
teachers
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,
girls
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 use old stuff and they do not have the same
teachers
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 as
boys
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. It is undeniable that if
girls
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 and
boys
Use synonyms
 had the same conditions,
girls
Use synonyms
 would be more happy. All in all,
requirement
Add an article
the requirement
a requirement
show examples
 of mixed
schools
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 is
urging
Wrong verb form
urged
show examples
 for many locations, since
girls
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are
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 the best conditions and it is controversial that they are benefiting from
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to
education
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that outlines your main arguments. This will help guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that you provide a more balanced view of both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and phrasing; some sentences are a bit awkward or unclear, which can affect coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your concluding paragraph summarizes your main points clearly and reinforces your opinion in a more structured manner.
task achievement
You present a clear stance in favor of mixed schools, which provides a strong foundation for your argument.
task achievement
You make an effort to use relevant examples, which is good for making your argument more credible.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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