IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

People are living longer. Some people think that it causes big problems. Others, however, think that ageing population has many advantages for business, government and for society in general. Discuss both views and give your own option.

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These days humans are living more than ever.
While
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 an increased
life
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 span has been accompanied by some economic challenges for the
governments
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, I am convinced that
this
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 phenomenon has facilitated
life
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 for younger generations and provided the
time
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 for elders to pursue their dreams. On the one hand, some argue that the imposed financial burden on the authorities is a compelling reason for considering the increased living
time
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 a negative development. Having weakened immune systems by ageing, the elders become prone to diverse ailments which originate from
this
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 weakness
such
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 as diabetes or cancer.
As a result
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,
governments
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 have been forced to allocate a significant budget to the treatment expenses of these people, covering their health insurance and paying pensions.
Finally
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, permanently, taking care of elders in the case of physical disabilities would be regarded as a
time
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-consuming and challenging responsibility by some busy offspring, which would be addressed by
governments
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.
On the other hand
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,
however
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, I firmly believe that
this
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 increased living
time
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 is a positive development. Many old people are passionate about spending their
time
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 with their grandchildren.
This
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 collaboration in looking after children puts the parent's minds at ease during work
time
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, increasing productivity and efficiency at work.
In addition
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 to the facilitated
life
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 for employed parents, owning more
time
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 to live has encouraged a myriad of aged individuals to follow their aspirations. A salient example of
this
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 is my uncle, who started his desired business of exporting fruit to neighbouring countries after retirement by enjoying the gained efficient experiences during his professional
life
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, contributing to the economic growth of the country. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
such
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 climbing economic pressures on the
governments
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 could be compensated by the aged population's contribution to the economic growth of the country and reducing the difficulty of bringing up children for working parents.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. However, you could enhance clarity by briefly summarizing the main points you will discuss in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally well-organized with distinct paragraphs. Consider adding linking words or phrases at the beginning of your points to improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
In your second body paragraph, including more specific examples or data related to how aging populations contribute economically would strengthen your argument further.
task achievement
Your essay reflects a good understanding of the topic and presents both views effectively, allowing for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
The use of a personal example in the second body paragraph adds depth to your argument and helps illustrate your point well.
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