IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of people are now using the Internet to meet new people and socialize. Some people think this has brought people closer together, while others think people are becoming more isolated. Discuss both views and give your opinion. ( Truc Linh )

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In real life, the increasing use of the
internet
Use synonyms
 to meet new
people
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 was not too strange. Some views
said
Wrong verb form
say
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 it can help individuals have better
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
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.
In contrast
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, there is a view that social media will separate
people
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. Two aforementioned views will be discussed thoroughly in the following paragraph before presenting my personal perspective in the conclusion. Many argue that the
internet
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 is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 threat
of
Change preposition
to
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 humanity. They think that exchange with another in the media is insecure. No one can know who the opposite person is because the number of fake information is increasing. There are many situations about
get
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getting
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 information to cheat other
people
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, especially the elderly and young children.
In addition
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, the depth of relationships can not develop because interacting online in just a short period of time and
people
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 can not contact intimate.
Along with
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 that, the time of using the
internet
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 too much can make users fall into a lonely life. The useful media will change the habits of citizens, they stop participating in external activities.
On the other hand
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, many
people
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 believe technology
developed
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apply
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is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 big step
to
Change preposition
toward
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 humanity
get
Wrong verb form
getting
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 closer together.
Network
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The network
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 helps
people
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 with the same hobbies to meet each other. They can chat and share issues. That
for
Add a missing verb
is for
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 individuals who are difficult to access outside society. Especially, the
internet
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 can connect relationships in
another word
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other words
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. Even if you
far
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are far
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 away, just open the device and
then
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 you can able to chat.
To sum up
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,
although
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 the
internet
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 has the benefit of communication, it is
also
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 the drawback of the distance between relationships. In my opinion, I agree with both views if we know how to balance and ensure safety for ourselves,
then
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 using social networks will become useful.

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task achievement
The introduction could be more engaging and clearly state the main points that will be discussed. Consider rephrasing it for clarity and impact.
coherence and cohesion
Try to connect more ideas logically between paragraphs, making sure each point naturally leads to the next. Transition phrases can be helpful here.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your points and illustrate your ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures for better rhythm and flow. This can enhance the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
You have successfully identified both sides of the argument and provided your viewpoint, which is essential for this type of essay.
task achievement
Your essay contains relevant arguments that reflect a good understanding of the topic.
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