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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

the bar chart shows the number of heat related illness suffered by high school students per

the bar chart shows the number of heat related illness suffered by high school students per
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The illustrated bar chart and line
graph
Use synonyms
 give information on the illness suffered by high school
students
Use synonyms
 among 100,000 sports events in the central U.S. states in one year.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that
students
Use synonyms
 suffered the highest number of illnesses in August, with the lowest being in May and February,
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 no one was reported to be sick.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the line
graph
Use synonyms
 shows the
temperature
Use synonyms
 of each month. It shows that the highest
temperature
Use synonyms
 recorded was in July, and the lowest was in January. Getting back into the details, in August, it was reported that 70
students
Use synonyms
 fell ill, which is around five times the number of individuals falling sick in September, where approximately only 12
students
Use synonyms
 were reported ill.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the number of people getting sick declined in later months, reaching as low as 1-2 cases.
However
Linking Words
, in February and May, no one was reported to fall ill.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
temperature
Use synonyms
graph
Use synonyms
 shows that the
temperature
Use synonyms
 had a constant rise from 10-40°F in January to 70-90°F in July.
Then
Linking Words
, the
graph
Use synonyms
 showed a constant decline in
temperature
Use synonyms
 to approximately 20-40°F in December.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words graph, students, temperature with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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