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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below shows the way in which men and women used the Internet in Canada in 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the way in which men and women used the Internet in Canada in 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar chart illustrates the percentages of
internet
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 for
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 in the age group between 15 and 24 years old, in Canada, in the year 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, most of the
females
Use synonyms
 utilized the
internet
Use synonyms
 for e-mails,
while
Linking Words
 men used the
Internet
Use synonyms
 mostly for goods and services.
Moreover
Linking Words
, both gender's lowest
usage
Use synonyms
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 for research and education.
Females
Use synonyms
internet
Use synonyms
 utilisation was mostly for e-mails at 71%,
while
Linking Words
males
Use synonyms
 was lower by 1% at 70 for e-mails.
By contrast
Linking Words
, men's
internet
Use synonyms
 use for goods and services was up over
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 by 10% at 71% and 61, respectively. Both gender's
internet
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 for research and education did not exceed 15% with
females
Use synonyms
 dominating
this
Linking Words
 field. Female's
usage
Use synonyms
 of the
internet
Use synonyms
 for games was significant by 10% to chat rooms at 58% and 48, respectively. Meanwhile,
Use synonyms
males
Fix the agreement mistake
male
show examples
usage
Use synonyms
 was 64% for games and chat rooms were lower by 14% at 50%.
Lastly
Linking Words
, online shopping is dominated by
females
Use synonyms
 with a 10% difference over
males
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words internet, usage, males, females with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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