IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Adults do less exercise nowadays. Some think that people can be encouraged to live healthy through sporting events such as Olympics or World Cup. Others think that there are more better ways to encourage adults for exercise. Discuss both views and state you opinion.

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In
this
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 fast-paced and busy world, there are disputed opinions regarding exercise. Towards, where some are of the
view
Use synonyms
 point that individuals can be motivaed to live better livelihood by doing ample
sports
Use synonyms
 activities
such
Linking Words
 as olympics or world cup; wheres others counter argues that there are a plethora of compelling ways to motivate teenagers with spreading awareness.
Therefore
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, before commenting on my opinion, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sides are elaborated in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, the primary argument the proponents would put forward is that playing
sports
Use synonyms
 on
international
Correct article usage
an international
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 level can ameliorate physical fitness. To add to
this
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, being physically active will be beneficial for
heart
Correct article usage
the heart
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 and for
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
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 body as exercises can not only be helpful for physical well-being but
also
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 fruitful for mental health.
For example
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, an increasing number of people are choosing a sedentary lifestyle in order to get comfort and relaxation, as everyone
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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different
Correct article usage
a different
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 perspective;
however
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, if they
will
Verb problem
are
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 encouraged by their friends about
importance
Correct article usage
the importance
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playing
Change preposition
of playing
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sports
Use synonyms
 for
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 life, they might be thinking about
participate
Wrong verb form
participating
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 in
sports
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, those who stand by the latter
view
Use synonyms
 have their own claims. One of the most
prominant
Correct your spelling
prominent
argument
Fix the agreement mistake
arguments
show examples
 is that there are myriad
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
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 ways
such
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 as organizing awareness campaigns in schools. To elaborate
further
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,
an
Correct article usage
apply
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awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
 events can play a paramount role
for inculcate
Change preposition
in inculcating
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 and
motivate
Wrong verb form
motivating
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 kids about exercise.
For instance
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, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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educational
institiute
Correct your spelling
institutions
 are systamatizing
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
events every week on healthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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 which can bring optimistic aspects among pupils and they will spend
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 significant amount of their time
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while
Correct word choice
apply
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doing
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
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instead
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 of playing video games.
To conclude
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, it is evident that both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views have their importance.
However
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, I firmly support the former
view
Use synonyms
 rather than
latter
Correct article usage
the latter
show examples
view
Use synonyms
 because
sports
Use synonyms
 would be beneficial for enhancing quality of life.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to clearly outline your arguments in each paragraph to improve the logical flow of your essay. For example, using clear topic sentences can help guide the reader through your points more effectively.
task achievement
Ensure that your introduction presents a clearer thesis statement that sums up your opinion right away, which will help clarify your position on the topic immediately.
general writing improvement
Make sure to proofread your work to catch small spelling and grammatical errors, as these can distract readers and affect the clarity of your points, such as 'prominant' instead of 'prominent'.
task achievement
You have made a good attempt to present both sides of the argument, which shows an understanding of the topic and the complexity of opinions around it.
task achievement
Your examples, such as sporty activities like the Olympics, are relevant and help to illustrate your points, which adds depth to your argument.
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